Talking a good game How to speak golf commentator
What a singular breed they are, these men and women of televised golf. Hushed and whispering from behind a bush, or striding informatively up the fourth fairway, or stretched out expansively in their chat suite while something happens with a hologram, the broadcasters, pundits and presenters of golf live a grand old life, and they have a language all of their own. Here are some of the phrases to keep an eye out for on this week’s coverage…
Let’s check it out with our birdie in the sky
Heralds the arrival of Wayne “Radar” Riley, Sky’s man who walks and profiles each hole of the course. He is Australian. Extremely Australian. Look forward to lots of information, lots of shouting, and the sense that he could get a second job calling the finishes of big horse races if the golf course guiding ever dries up. So much energy, so much knowledge: and all of it apparently yelled so that the helicopter pilot can hear him.
Wonderful young man
Signifier that the great Butch Harmon is about to talk about somebody he knows, has coached, has advised or is related to. This is everyone in America under about 50 who has ever held a golf club, and Butch seems to think a lot of all of them, which reflects well on him as a person and a mentor. Woe betide the young golfer not assessed as a wonderful young man.
I never leave the house without doing 55,000 push-ups
Put down that biscuit, get off the sofa, you are not here to enjoy yourself: here is Gary Player with an anecdote about his truly terrifying fitness regime.
You have to know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em
It can only be the Country and Western infused stylings of Paul Mcginley: analyst, lyricist, Rory Mcilory cheerleaderist, here giving his advice to young Rory about when to attack the course.
Trousers full of legs, my mum would have said
Sign that an anecdote unburdened by the creep of political correctness is about to unfold, very possibly involving someone who almost won the Open in the year of our Lord 1376, and most likely featuring an actress and a bishop as well. It can only be the one, the only, the immortal (increasingly seemingly literally) Peter Alliss.
Any mention of burgers, bacon, fried onions
Sure indicator that Richard Boxall is on his tireless trudge around the course, being goaded by delicious smells and his co-workers.
Modern yardage book
A pet favourite phrase of the BBC’S delightful Ken Brown, whose avuncular, dignified manner fits so perfectly with the ancient game in Scotland. Brown has carved himself out a niche in sports TV legend for his “Ken on the Course” sections, and no golf major has really begun until you have watched Ken roll a golf ball down a slope and watch, with the wide-eyed delight of a child being shown a conjuring trick for the first time, as it slides away downhill. Gravity, eh? Amazing. Well, well.
Mention of burn, trousers, water, etc
It will mean the contribution of Jean van de Velde, a lovely character and an excellent signing by Sky, as we all have to relive once more the sporting horror of the poor chap losing the plot big-style on the last hole back in 1999 at Carnoustie. A very welcome addition, just do not let him near the water.