Keep calm and carry on, folks, we have the British bulldog spirit and pulses!

Brace yourselves, chaps! As the Brexit negotiations continue to go swimmingly (ahem), the threat of leaving the European Union without a deal increases by the day. The head of Amazon in the UK set a calm, unflappable tone with a warning that there could be “civil unrest” within two weeks if we quit the EU without reaching an agreement. Doug Gurr said that this worst-case outcome formed part of his “contingency planning”.

With Project Fear morphing into Project Near, it’s been announced that the British public will get weekly warnings on how a no-deal will affect their lives.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait! Contingency planning is already well advanced at Pearson Towers. The gas-masks have been retrieved from the cupboard under the stairs. The larder is stocked with tinned beans and pulses, as recommended by one very alarmed Remainer on Twitter, who said we would need an alternative protein source after all the livestock disappears. The Complete Book of Self-sufficiency sits on the coffee table and we are watching old episodes of The

Good Life just in case.

In true Corporal Jones fashion, I do feel it’s important that we don’t panic. Some of us who remember a time before the UK joined the EEC are here to reassure younger citizens that there was a functioning country in existence before 1973, one that somehow cobbled together quite an extensive empire after a not unimpressive industrial revolution. We invented the passenger railway, the telephone, the jet engine, photography, television, Rolls-royce and Max Bygraves. However, to allay any fears, I’d like to answer some common questions that may crop up in the coming months:

QAWell, we certainly hope so! Under the Prime Minister’s Chequers deal, the British sun will require not just regulatory alignment, but a commitment by treaty to harmonisation with other EU sunrises (and sunsets) for the foreseeable future. Boris Johnson has argued that the UK will shine brighter if it doesn’t share a “common rule book” (ie doing everything Brussels says). There is considerable evidence to suggest that the sun rose on a daily basis 45 years ago, and in the many centuries preceding our membership of the EU. This has been challenged by Anna Soubry, who claims that Great Britain lived in “total and utter darkness” before the passing of the Single European Act. Get candles, to be on the safe side!

QAThere has been some concern that German shepherds, dachshunds and French pooches will feel unwelcome, although, thanks to reciprocal arrangements involving black Labradors, Westies and King Charles spaniels, everything should carry on as normal. We will go on loving our European friends, just not taking part in their doomed, expansionist superstate.

QWill we all be terribly poor, take to drink and become a laughing stock?

ANo. We leave the last two of those to the president of the European Commission. After Brexit, the British taxpayer will no longer be paying for Jean-claude Juncker’s red wine, so we’re quids in already.

QLeo Varadkar, the Irish prime minister, has threatened to ban British planes from Irish airspace. Should we be worried?

AHave you seem the size of the Irish air force?

QAWe will train our own! There are hundreds of thousands of British youngsters who have been denied careers in medicine because successive governments have relied cynically on importing staff. The UK is currently more dependent on foreign-born health workers than any other European nation.

QAIf they do, you can come round to my house. I’ve got an awful lot of lentils. Seriously, nearly a third of food in our supermarkets comes from the EU and the doomsters say that the average tariff on EU food imports would be 22 per cent. However, without a free-trade agreement, French wine producers could lose more than €200 million (£177 million) annually and cheesemakers €100 million. Hard Brexit equals hard cheese, so don’t be surprised if a sneaky, amicable agreement is found. Meanwhile, we can increase our intake of very good New Zealand and Australian wines, and African farmers can finally trade with us once we’re shot of the hideously protectionist Brussels.

QWill I be able to watch Spiral as it’s set in Paris?

AProbably the most important question so far! Laure Berthaud and her team of craggy French flics have an army of fans and we will march on by whatever means necessary.

QIs there really a “cliff edge” and will we fall off it?

AThings could be a bit bumpy for a while, but we’ve seen a lot worse in our history. Fortunately, the UK has never been in regulatory alignment with Brussels’ sense of humour. We still have one. It will stand us in good stead. Stock up on beans and see you on the other side! Cliff-edge: Theresa May is preparing for ‘a disorderly Brexit’