When it comes to sex, the Germans have really got it nailed

Some years ago, we were involved in a dispute with a noisy neighbour living in a housing association flat next door. We complained about his interminable shouting and irate phone calls made at high volume regardless of the hour.

He countered that he was kept awake every single night by the sound of us having loud sex. The case went to mediation.

The mediator made a house visit, took one look at us, inquired how long we’d been together (over two decades at that stage), and without saying a word, crossed out our young neighbour’s complaint with a knowing smile.

What could I do but smile back? I thought of this resonant little vignette when I read that women prefer conscientious and organised men who schedule their sex well in advance, rather than impetuous lotharios who instigate it spontaneously.

Now let’s be clear; this was a German study, and it’s no real surprise that Teutonic

Frauen like a Mann who’s a livewire between the Excel spreadsheets.

But, reading between the lines, what they really mean is that they want the sort of partner who doesn’t let physical intimacy slide in the course of a long-term relationship.

And that is a universal phenomenon. Why else do married couples stay in hotels? Because nothing says “let’s

bonk” like overspending on a last-minute junior executive suite overlooking the air-conditioning unit.

One of my colleagues admits that she or her spouse enters “date night” on their shared calendar when they feel conjugal congress is overdue.

I’m so dim, I always thought date nights meant dinner and an argument. I blush when I think how the Obamas used to have one every week. That’s married relations 52 times a year. Is that even allowed?

The thing about sex is that, somewhere along the line, it begins to feel like a chore – like going to the gym. Afterwards, you feel great, if sweaty, and swear you’ll make it regular, but then life gets in the way.

Ask any relationship counsellor and they will liken sex to the cement that holds things – people – together. Over the years, it invariably crumbles away and, while the wall still stands, it becomes precarious, unsound, likely to collapse at the first impact.

Men who take responsibility for regular wall maintenance may not sound romantic, but they are cementing the foundations of a solid future.