Seven signs you’re still in love

Mike and Zara Tindall prove you really can be Married and Still Into Each Other

There are public displays of affection and signs of connection that are impossible to fake

This week the royally loved-up spotlight has momentarily shifted away from Harry and Meghan and alighted on the Tindalls, who were papped while Mike was giving Zara’s bottom a tweak, otherwise known as doing a MASIE (Married and Still Into Each other; what else?).

Moments like these are a reminder that there are public displays of affection (including writhing under the sheets live on national TV), and then there are those telltale signs of a couple’s genuine connection which are impossible to fake.

Oddly, this particular sort of absent-minded grope, and her instinctive answering pat, is up there on the list, whereas an arm around the waist or intertwined fingers and a meaningful gaze could mean anything at all. Might mean the divorce papers are in the post. Might mean “we haven’t had sex for a year, at least not with each other”.

We all have private hunches as to who is really into each other – and it’s never because they like sitting on each other’s laps or sending each other effusive messages on Instagram, it’s on account of what the occasional MASIE reveals. Such as:

Him entirely forgetting that she is no longer the age they were when they met. “Get on my shoulders for a better view… Come on, quick, you’re missing it.” That’s a classic MASIE, especially if she is wearing a bunion boot and on crutches at the time. Also, him thinking she looks good in the halter-neck dress that – were they not MASIE – it would be obvious was a serious mistake. Next time you see someone at a party bursting out of a very unsuitable dress, looking like the cat that got the cream, that’s a sure MASIE sign. He has said: “Why don’t you wear the dress you wore to that party [in 2002]. Go on, please.” And because they are MASIE,

she has momentarily lost the plot, carried along on his enthusiasm, and agreed. Note: for what it’s worth, Mike Tindall will think that Kate is pretty, but not nearly enough meat on her, and Meghan is fit but way too petite to be actually attractive. He is MASIE and highly effective blinkers are one of the side-effects.

Him spending ages tracking down some music she likes when she can’t remember what the band was called, or the name of the song. Come to that, him paying attention in general and therefore knowing that She has a thing about Illya Kuryakin in The Man From Uncle/moose/gherkins.

Her being prepared to hunt down rare cassettes and salted chocolate.

Noticing when the other one has been absent for more than 10 minutes. The less loved-up could leave the other one accidentally locked in the pub loo for up to three quarters of an hour. I speak from bitter experience.

Her wearing high heels that make him seem shorter. That’s a MASIE; “I love the way you look and I don’t care that it makes me look like your ventriloquist’s dummy”.

Falling about weeping with laughter. The sort that Charles and Camilla do a lot, the way that Charles and Diana never did.

Genuinely wanting to hear what the other person has to say, not half listening and wishing they would keep quiet for a minute so you can talk to the nearby attractive person. Uh oh. MANIE (Married and Not Into Each other) alert.

Being absolutely convinced that there is at least one thing about your partner that is exceptional. Could be their backhand. Could be their retentive memory, or their fish stew. Similarly, when faced with a brutally unforgiving photograph of either of you, you simply wave it away as a freakish technological accident.

Anyway. That’s what’s going on with the Tindalls, and no mistake.