The things we do when we think no one’s looking
You ask directions to the loo in your friend of a friend’s house, and then quickly poke your nose around the door of their TV room
Apparently one in five shoppers admits to buying clothes, wearing them once and then returning them. It’s a shameful middle-class secret and 35- to 44-yearolds (ie the age group that should know better) are the worst culprits of all.
We can’t say we’re surprised by this – although we only tried it ourselves the once and would strongly advise against it. Even if you’ve just sat around in whatever it is for an hour, to see if it eases up a bit around the hips and bottom area, the shop assistants will be able to tell. So when you come to return it, because it doesn’t fit, they will hold it up, point at the creases and the telltale signs, and shame you in front of a queue of innocent, younger shoppers, and it will be Just Not Worth It.
Anyway. Returning once-worn clothes is by no means the only dodgy behaviour we indulge in when we think no one is looking. For example:
1 House stalking
This is when you ask directions to the loo in your friend of a friend’s house, and then quickly poke your nose around the door of their TV room, because She’s got such a good eye! And once (OK, twice) you have been known to take a photograph, with your iphone, of the fabric on the stool and the wallpaper, and the chairs. This, BTW, is the reason why people do “house tours”. Do you want a quick look around? Yes, we do, thank you, otherwise you may find us taking paint samples from behind the radiator before the day is out.
2 Regifting
As in any Jo Malone (huge apologies to Jo Malone, which we can’t get enough of, but you can’t help suspecting a regift whenever you see that cream and black packaging). It’s just ridiculously gift-friendly – the perfectly wrapped, generous, classy smelly – so your first thought might be (often is) that it is too useful to open and will make a great emergency present. Same goes for infused olive oils. Semiprecious drop earrings. Scented candles. All tinged with the whiff of a regift, regift or not. And usually a regift.
3 Place name swapping
This one is the pinnacle of bad manners. By switching place names at your host’s table, you are effectively saying: “I spit on your wishes and shall do exactly what suits me, while I drink your booze and eat your food.” Also you’re insulting the people you’ve been seated next to. Terrible idea all round.
4 Upscale decanting
Putting the supermarket brand gin in the lovely Hendrick’s bottle, mainly.
5 Moving For Sale estate agent signs…
6 Book curating
Hardly ever done this (not since the dating years anyway) but have been known to swap the pink spined chick lit for heavyweight titles, so as to impress visitors, and also to hide the classics with the post-tv adaptation book jackets. (Note to publishers: we’d much prefer to look like we got there first, rather than jumping on it post the Sky Atlantic series.)
7 Passing off bought food as your own
The brownies you got at the farmer’s market, the jam, etc. Everyone knows what you’re up to. Why would anyone serve a standard spag bol, followed by a pomegranate and polenta cake? (That said, there’s a good chance they won’t find out about the Waitrose pre-prepared red cabbage.)
8 Freecycling
Convincing yourself that because what you are “freecycling” is not a soiled mattress, or a doorless fridge freezer, and you’ve stuck a nice Please Take Me note on top, it’s more like sharing than fly tipping. Perish the thought that we should take our discards to the dump, like everyone else.