Don’t bother trying to learn German – you’re no good at it anyway

If somebody told you they took maths A-level at school, but have since forgotten how to do basic additions or subtractions, you would not believe them. If they told you they took geography A-level, but could no longer remember what the capital of France is, you would not believe them either. But if somebody told you they took French or German A-level and could not cobble together a single coherent sentence in French or German, you would believe them straight away.

I’m a native German-speaker. I have been living in the UK for 11 years, but people can still hear that I am not originally from here, and often feel obliged to tell me about the German classes they took at school. This is virtually always followed by a slightly apologetic “… but I don’t remember any of it”.

With this in mind: it has been widely reported this week that the number of students who take A-levels in German has dropped to just 3,000. Some commentators treat this as self-evidently “A Bad Thing”.

But why? For most native Englishspeakers, grappling with foreign languages is a waste of time. They have little need for it, which is why, quite understandably, they do not retain much of it.

According to Eurobarometer surveys, only 6 per cent of Britons are able to hold a simple conversation in German (and, presumably, this includes respondents who think that ordering a beer counts as a conversation). If so little of those lessons sticks, why bother trying? Why not invest that time and effort in learning something else, such as economics?

Being a native English-speaker is a blessing. People elsewhere have to dedicate a large proportion of their school time, and mental energy, to learning English. English-speakers do not have to do that. So what if you’re monolingual? Excel at something else instead. Learn the oboe, or master computer coding.

For many English-speakers, a lingering guilt remains. They believe it is “unfair” that others have to make an effort, while they get a free ride, and there is some truth in that. Unless you use a foreign language on a daily basis, speaking it is hard work – even if you are good at it.

But this would not necessarily be remedied if English-speakers tried harder to learn foreign languages. It is true that if you tried to talk to me in broken German, it would be hard work for you. But here’s the thing: it would be even harder work for me. Because I would have to try to make sense of your gibberish.

So please don’t do it. Just say whatever you want to say in English. It’s easier for both of us that way.