In the survival of the sluggish, it’s late risers who’ll inherit the earth
Ihave often thought the most telling moment on Desert Island Discs is when the castaway chooses their luxury item.
Many follow the “Devil finds work for idle hands” school of thought, asking for pens and paper (Ralph Fiennes), typewriters (Tom Hanks) or, inexplicably, a bag of plaster with which to make the heads of friends (Virginia Ironside).
But among my kindred spirits are those who plump for home comforts. Morrissey, Duncan Bannatyne and Baroness Karren Brady all picked bedding. Stephen King wanted a hammock. Sir Michael Caine stipulated that his pillows must be half goose down, half feather.
So, like me, they probably felt vindicated upon reading the news that laziness may have been vital for human evolution. After studying molluscs, scientists have established that the hardiest species are low maintenance, with minimal energy requirements, and hailed “the survival of the sluggish”. I would have jumped for joy, if only I could be bothered.
My preferred state is sleep. Since childhood, I have needed eight hours a night, lest I awake like the Jabberwocky. I have always marvelled at those who can function on five hours and have no desire to lie in – a badge of honour regularly trotted out by politicians as evidence of their suitability for public office. But why should this be prized? Why should the rest of us be made to feel like a waste of skin for hitting snooze?
I’m tired of reading articles in which a CEO claims to rise at 5am, be in the gym by 6am and at their desk by 7am, having dressed the children, made breakfast, neutered the cat and negotiated world peace.
It puts us lazybones into a perpetual state of guilt. We are made to feel as though we are wasting our lives – “you can sleep when you’re dead”, as the saying goes. This is the gross misunderstanding that we sloths must live with: the confusion of laziness with a lack of productivity.
The truth is quite the reverse. Both early birds and late risers are striving for the same thing: the judicious use of energy. The former prefer to cram their activities into daylight hours, while the latter take a more leisurely approach. Not for us the instant gratification that modern society demands. Why is a 6am gym session any better than a 6pm one? Or an early evening meal preferable to a late supper? And that smug feeling “morning people” get in the hours before the rest of the world wakes up? We get the same secret thrill at the end of the day (we may be late to wake, but we are frequently late to bed).
There does, at least, seem to be a growing acceptance that some of us are simply made this way – that body clocks are genetically determined, and not all are equal. Our hunter-gatherer forefathers apparently staggered their sleep patterns to watch for predators. In this context, we night owls have long played a crucial role in the survival of the human race.
All of which makes me think my generation is on the right track. Millennials are mocked for being mollycoddled, but ours is the language of laziness. We date online and order restaurant food from our sofas; we have reclaimed the clothing of indolence, choosing trainers and leggings in which to “Netflix and chill”. According to a new study, most of us can’t even bear to expend energy cooking potatoes, preferring to microwave rice. Let’s face it, in evolutionary terms, idle snowflakes may yet inherit the earth.