Inspector Jeremy Corbyn and the curious case of the smoking gun
Say Jeremy Corbyn were prime minister. How would he respond to an attack on Britain by a foreign regime? Perhaps we should look at how he responded to the Salisbury Novichok attack in March. First, he cast doubt on whether the Russians really were the culprits. And then, remarkably, he urged Theresa May to submit a Novichok sample to the Russians themselves – so that they could examine it in their own laboratory, and tell us “categorically one way or the other” whether it was theirs.
A foolproof plan. If, in the end, Mr Corbyn doesn’t quite make it to 10 Downing Street, he could always embark on a new career as a detective.
Inspector Corbyn: “’Ello, ’ello, ’ello! What have we here then? A man, lying face down on the floor, dead as a doornail, with a bullet wound to the back of the skull. Looks suspiciously to me like a murder.
“Excuse me, sir – as you appear to be the only other individual present, would you mind if I asked you one or two questions?”
Gangster: “Not at all, Inspector. Go right ahead.”
Inspector Corbyn: “Much obliged, sir. First of all, is that your gun?” Gangster: “What gun, Inspector?” Inspector Corbyn: “The one in your hand, sir. With the little wisp of smoke coming out of the barrel. You know, sir. The gun you were pointing at the victim’s body when I entered this otherwise unoccupied room, a split second after a shot rang out.”
Gangster: “Oh, this gun! Silly me. Sorry, Inspector. No, this isn’t my gun. Never seen it before in my life. No idea whose it could be.”
Inspector Corbyn: “Well, that’s good enough for me, sir. Have a pleasant evening now. Mind how you go.”
Yesterday afternoon, to grim silence in the Commons, Mrs May confirmed that two Russian military intelligence agents had been identified as suspects.
‘The worst he found to say about Russia was that it had “failed to co-operate with this investigation” ’
She said that Russia “persistently seeks to undermine our security”, and that, ever since the Salisbury attack, Vladimir Putin’s regime had offered nothing but “obfuscation and lies” (“They even claimed that I myself invented Novichok”).
Once again, however, Mr Corbyn’s remarks were notably less emphatic. The worst he found to say about the Russian regime was that it had “failed to co-operate with this investigation”, and must now “give a full account of how this nerve agent came to be based in the UK”.
Still, at least he managed to condemn someone. “We condemn the police and security services,” declared Mr Corbyn.
MPS stared at him. “Commend,” said Mr Corbyn hurriedly, realising his mistake. “We commend the police and security services… ”
Afterwards, journalists asked Mr Corbyn’s spokesman whether the Labour leader still believed that samples of the Salisbury Novichok should be handed over to Russia. Somewhat to their surprise, he said yes. “The Russian government,” explained the spokesman confidently, “should co-operate with that.”
Well, every great detective needs a sidekick.