Linda Blair

How to give yourself a talking to

Self-evaluation, that inner commentary about our appearance, intentions, feelings and behaviour, is something we all do – yet most of the time we hardly notice, unaware of how powerfully it is influencing our mood and directing our behaviour.

Many people believe self-talk must be critical and harsh to spur you on to do more, do better. However, psychological research suggests quite the opposite happens when you’re hard on yourself.

Harsh criticism is associated with a host of psychological problems: increased anxiety, depression, eating disorders and obsessive compulsive disorder. Numerous studies – for example those by Robert Baron at Oklahoma State University, Olivia Longe at Aston University, and Kristin Neff at the University of Texas – have shown that negatively-worded criticism is associated with increased tension and anger, a tendency to make more errors and set lower goals, and the likelihood you’ll end up feeling less competent and less self-confident. And that’s whether you’re hard on yourself or whether others criticise you.

Fortunately, the way you evaluate yourself is not an innate given. Because you acquired your current standards and selfreferential vocabulary early in childhood, it may feel as if they’re fixed. But you can change that inner monologue from self-critical to self-encouraging – and when you do, you’ll feel calmer, better able to take on new challenges, and warmer not only towards yourself but also towards others. Here’s how.

Start by listening out for what you say to yourself whenever you make a mistake or fail to perform as well as you intended. Make a note of these phrases for one week, including a brief description of the circumstances.

Now look at each statement. How might you change the wording so it sounds more positive, but so you feel it’s still credible? Consider what you would say if you were speaking to a friend instead of yourself. Include in the new approach a specific suggestion about how you can improve things next time. For example, if you resolve to get up early but oversleep, instead of telling yourself “I’m so lazy”, say something like this: “I must be more exhausted than I realised. I’ll make sure I’m in bed half an hour earlier tonight.” Or you could say: “It’s hard to get up when it’s still dark. I’ll treat myself to a light alarm to make it easier.”

Avoid comparing yourself to others. How they perform is not in your control. Instead, consider your efforts in light of your own past performance.

Finally, offer genuine encouragement and support to others. This will reinforce your new, more positive approach when help and guidance are needed. It might also help you live longer. Stephanie Brown and colleagues at the University of Michigan looked at mortality rates of older adults over a five-year period. Those who offered positive support to others lived significantly longer.

Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and author of Siblings: How to Handle Rivalry and Create Lifelong Loving Bonds.

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