KNOW YOUR IDIOT DRINKING UNITS You have opinions on things
You are too drunk for school
A friend recounts her children’s headmaster banned the annual school quiz this year because some of the parents and two of the teachers got too drunk at last year’s. It’s not big and it’s not clever. You’ve let your children down, you’ve let the school down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down. See also touchline drinking when your child’s team is playing, which may lead you to believe you’re Pep Guardiola. IDIOT UNITS: 5
You’ve been drunken shopping – again
You had a few. You went online. Your A/W 2018 wardrobe now comprises leopard print, sequins, and what can best be described as a Hazmat suit. You’ll always pay for Shopping While Drunk and it’s not just your credit card that suffers. IDIOT UNITS: 2
You think complete strangers are your best friends
You’re on holiday and you’ve truly embraced the concept of allinclusive, or you’re at a party and you’ve self-poured into near oblivion.
Now you’ve fallen into the friends-at-firstsight trap. You’ve never felt such a connection, you’ve so much in common. Naturally, you forget all about your new soul mates until next you run into them and are forced to claw into the recesses of your brain for their names or, worse, they knock on the door expecting to enjoy the dinner you invited them to last week. It was the single malt talking and it needs to shut up. IDIOT UNITS: 4
you shouldn’t
Half a bottle of Picpoul and your views are anyone’s. If you hear someone braying, “No, hear me out!” and you realise the noise is coming from inside your mouth, call a cab. Of course, you have lots to say on the Irish border question, and whether the Kardashians are smashing the patriarchy or reinforcing it, but now isn’t the time. IDIOT UNITS: 3
You wake up in West Penge
Night buses, trains, tubes and trams are for the young and the shift worker, not the shiftless, possibly shirtless, idiot who has had a few too many sherbets. Waking up drooling on a stranger’s shoulder in a postcode far from home isn’t really how you saw your life panning out, now was it? Dream a bigger dream. You’ve still got time. IDIOT UNITS: 5
You have become the party bore
There is no social sin more unforgivable than being boring, and unfortunately drink dulls the sharpest wits. You ramble, you repeat yourself, you start leaning on people you hardly know to emphasise your point (or to stay upright), and you mistake the glazed-over expressions of others for rapt attention. Never be that person, unless pity, opprobrium and a clear diary forever are your life’s goals. IDIOT UNITS: 10