Conkering kings

It’s a bad autumn for conkering because the dry summer and the trees’ health have produced poor shrivelled specimens in many parts. The pretty horse-chestnut trees introduced from the Ottoman Empire 400 years ago are being attacked by two plagues: a pesky moth and a nasty bleeding canker. What tree is safe, now that ashes die back and oaks fall to sudden death? As for the game of conkers, its chief value is to annoy interfering authorities. It has never been a satisfactory game for the players, not since the original conquering snail shells were given up in favour of hard horsechestnuts. Perhaps the best turn we could do the horse-chestnut tree is to find apparently diseaseresistant specimens and plant their conkers in a promising spot. By bending down and picking up the shiny ripe seeds we can stoop to conquer.