The Daily Telegraph

MODERN LIFE

- SHANE WATSON

Last time I looked, SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder – isn’t due to hit until mid-november. But I, for one, am feeling pretty SAD already, and you may be, too: not SAD as in getting a bit gloomy when the nights close in, SAD as in Seasonal Affected Discontent – a reaction to the seasonal goalpost moving that’s been happening in recent weeks.

We all used to know exactly what autumn was about – coats, apple crumble, the furry Oka rug back on the bed – and now we don’t have a clue. Autumn has been given a makeover and it’s nothing like business as usual. For example:

Should we be going sober for October?

This is a prime example of how confusing things have become. January was the official month for giving up drink. Admittedly, Dry January doesn’t rhyme as well as Sober October, but it makes a lot more sense, given that Can’t Remember Most of December is the big bingeing month of the year. The current thinking is that summer is the new season of debauchery, and several months of guzzling rosé round the clock requires a full stop in the form of a designated month of abstinence. Hence Sober October. Discombobu­lating or what?

Why aren’t we about to jet off on a hot holiday?

Because we’ve Just Got Back from our summer holidays? Because we went away and spent a fortune and we’re only just getting back into the work groove? No, that’s beside the point, according to the new autumn rules. On all sides we are being urged to rush to places where the temperatur­es are still in the high seventies and the sea is just about swimmable in – Mallorca! Essaouira! – and suddenly it’s perfectly normal to have an autumn break in the sun, and to feel somewhat miffed if you are one of the donkeys toughing it out, holidayles­s, until Christmas. There is now a general feeling that the busy summer really takes it out of us (No School! Hot Weather! Al Fresco Living!). We are exhausted by September, on our knees by October, and the reboot that would normally take place in the new year needs to be brought forward, permanentl­y.

Should we be dieting now?

Seriously, it’s not January, it’s not June, but everyone’s talking about shedding stones in the months when you traditiona­lly pile on a bit of winter insulation. This is when we put away the salad bowl and get back to roasts and pudding, isn’t it? Not any more. We’re delaying the onset of goosefat potatoes until deep winter, whenever that is.

Spring cleaning now

Anyone else feeling the pressure to clear out and freshen up. Maybe give the hall a lick of paint, get a new loo brush? Last week some of us threw out several old pans and casserole dishes convinced that from now on we will be cooking mainly in a skillet. That is totally spring behaviour if you think about it, perfectly normal in April, but in autumn, season of the stew, not so much. What does it mean? It means the season of hunkering down has been hijacked by the season of throwing open the shutters. We are disorienta­ted, like the Gateshead Beluga whale.

Fake fur or sandals?

Autumn fashion can be confusing, what with next spring’s collection­s being in the news, but this year we’re struggling with two conflictin­g impulses – the impulse to wear a leopard teddy-bear coat and the impulse to keep on flashing our tanned limbs. By this stage, we are usually keen to get back into polo necks and parkas, but now we’re not sure, and the weather is not sure, and fashion wants us to be thinking April next year. Autumn’s not the mellow season any more, that’s for sure.

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