Judith Woods

I despair at what has happened to childhood

At this rate, an entire generation may never learn to talk, unless it’s to Alexa

Did you see those pictures of schoolkids in Suffolk pedalling on static bikes in the classroom, burning off calories and excess energy while reading their books? And did you think: “What a great idea?”

And then did you think: “Actually, that’s a bit weird…”? And, finally, did you conclude that the world has officially gone bonkers?

That, more or less, was my own trajectory, although I did wonder if it would be considered too Victorian to rig those bikes to some sort of generator and let pupil power turn on the lights and heat the corridors.

Teachers at Red Oak Primary School in Lowestoft report great results: better concentration, less fidgeting and so forth. The school is now rolling out the floor-mounted machines to all 330 pupils, and if it’s doing them good, psychologically and physically, that’s a hugely beneficial thing, and the head is to be commended.

Hers is an ingenious response to the distorted society we have created. So if it’s great for these kids, why not replicate it in all primaries? It makes sense – but it also makes me shudder because, however fun it looks, pedalling at desks is an admission of all that is wrong with modern childhood. Our children, who ought to be hurtling about in fresh air, are too sedentary. PE lessons are routinely squeezed out of the timetable to make room for SATS revision.

Then, when they get home from school, their parents – who both work – are too tired to engage with them, much less confiscate their technology and weather the ensuing storm.

So we berate them for being slavishly addicted to their screens, but haven’t got the energy to offer them any alternative other than slumping with us on the sofa, watching terrestrial television. I say this in sorrow and guilt, not anger. It’s just how things are – and I for one would not want to be a child in 21st-century Britain.

Can it be healthy that 54per cent of three- and four-year-olds have their own ipads? Or that personal ownerships of laptops, tablets and computers is set to become the norm among pre-school children?

That’s the verdict of a report by specialist research agency Childwise. May Facebook have mercy on their souls. When Prince Harry – who, ironically, once credited a preoccupation with video games in his youth for honing his outstanding abilities as a pilot – went on a walkabout in Sussex this week, he chided eight-year-olds for playing

Fortnite. His intervention might have made them think, but I don’t imagine for a moment that he made them stop, any more than my nine-year-old ceases and desists when I order her to sign out of Roblox and play that nice BBC times tables game instead.

She doesn’t have a device of her own. Which would make me feel morally superior were it not for the fact that she commandeers my Macbook with such impunity, the charging cable is kept in her room.

Sometimes, I fantasise about having a wife (PA sounds a bit cold; nanny sounds expensive), someone to pick up the reins and assert gentle authority on school nights, not just helping with homework but confiscating the tablets, doing arts and crafts and taking a longer view.

Now that the middle of the middle class can no longer afford to send their offspring to independent schools, there must be loads of mothers like me: keen for our kids to do well and seize every academic opportunity, but without sufficient hours in the day to sit down and strategise.

Perhaps someone out there would like to go halfers on a nice wife? I stipulate wife for the obvious reasons; if you want something done, ask a busy woman. I would be so grateful, I’d lavish her with random gifts and even buy her real Jo Malone candles, not the Lidl version that I pretend to prefer but so don’t.

Maybe three parents will become our norm in years to come. Human beings, after all, are programmed to adapt. It’s our superpower, and the reason why we rule the planet, however recklessly, laying waste to rainforests, pumping chemicals into river systems and strewing plastic wherever we go.

But our great weakness is tackling causes rather than ameliorating effects. Planning ahead is anathema. We see it in the NHS, which makes huge strides in treatments, yet lags behind in preventive care.

We must wake up to the terrible fate that will befall our children if we don’t act to change how things are. How we are.

By the age of four, most youngsters are already “self-sufficient” on a tablet or mobile phone, and are able to navigate their way around apps, games and downloadable content. How depressing is that? At this rate, an entire generation may never learn to talk, unless it’s to Alexa.

I would rather my daughter were self-sufficient in climbing trees and skinning her knees than manically pedalling her way through spelling tests. Saving childhood isn’t about harking back to some Enid Blyton era of ginger beer and little Rees-moggs dressed in three-piece pinstripes.

It is about nurturing our offspring the way nature intended, preserving their freedom and safeguarding mental health.

Today’s 18- to 24-year-olds are the loneliest section of society due in no small part to their excessive social media use.

If we don’t want that to happen to younger children, we must urgently engage in a national debate about what it is we do want. And once I find myself a wifeshare, I’ll get her straight on to sorting that out.