Chequers to power of Canada divided by Switzerland equals confusion

Keeping up with all these different plans for Brexit is a nightmare. Even their names are bewildering. Theresa May wants the one known informally as “Chequers”. Boris Johnson wants the one known informally as “Super Canada”. David Davis wants the one known informally as “Canada plus plus plus”. And now, to go by exchanges in the Commons yesterday, there’s apparently another.

“If ‘Chequers’ fails,” said Brexiteer Peter Bone (Con, Wellingborough), “isn’t ‘Chequers plus plus plus’ the way forward?” He was, as far as I could tell, being entirely serious. Honestly.

If we do end up having a second referendum, there’ll be so many different options to choose from that each voting slip will be as long as a roll of wallpaper. PLEASE TICK ONE BREXIT PLAN ONLY: Chequers; Chequers plus; Chequers plus plus plus; Chequers squared; Chequers cubed; Chequers to the power of Canada; Chequers times Switzerland divided by the square root of Norway; Chequers minus Chequers; Chubby Chequers; Chequers Plays Pop. And so on, and so on, and so on. Imagine David Dimbleby announcing the result on TV.

“Which means that, with 0.000062 per cent of the total votes cast, the winning option is…”

Yesterday’s update to the Commons on Brexit was given not by Theresa May, but by Dominic Raab, her latest Brexit Secretary. Sir Keir Starmer, the spokesman for Labour, was unimpressed. “Could I politely point out,” he said, “that it would have been much better if this statement had come from the Prime Minister?”

(Sir Keir is always pointing things out to his opponents “politely”, or suggesting things to them “gently”. The addition of these adverbs somehow makes his manner seem even more aggravating. Which I would politely and gently suggest is why he does it. It’s like when someone begins a sentence with the phrase, “With all due respect”. Whatever follows is guaranteed to be utterly devoid of respect, due or otherwise.)

Mr Raab calmly tolerated the put-down, and the various other criticisms that came his way from Labour and the SNP. He was equally polite to the more gung-ho of his own party’s backbenchers – for example, Sir John Redwood (Con, Wokingham), who excitedly hooted that leaving the EU with no deal at all would give “a huge boost to our economy and public services” and constitute “a true Brexit bonus”. In reply, Mr Raab was gentle, soothing, placatory, like a doctor to a patient who has just informed him that he is the reincarnation of Tutankhamun. Mr Raab has only been Brexit Secretary for three months. To judge by his air of quiet long-suffering, to him it must feel like three years.

Also yesterday, Penny Mordaunt – Mrs May’s Secretary of State for International Development – publicly declined to back Chequers. She’s believed to be holding out for Super Singapore times Japan plus Panama divided by Equatorial Guinea.