In to­day’s les­son: Jeremy abolishes the slave trade

The Daily Telegraph - - Comment - MICHAEL DEA­CON on Satur­day

Jeremy Cor­byn has be­gun to set out his plans for ed­u­ca­tion. In school his­tory lessons, he wants all Bri­tish pupils to learn about the evils of the Bri­tish Em­pire and colo­nial­ism, and Bri­tain’s role in the slave trade. But how else will the cur­ricu­lum change un­der the next Labour gov­ern­ment? Here’s a time­line of key events in his­tory that all chil­dren will be ex­pected to learn by heart.

1066

The Bat­tle of Hast­ings. Im­pe­ri­al­ist Bri­tain causes mass blood­shed through its bru­tal treat­ment of French im­mi­grants.

1353

A cure for the Black Death is found by Jeremy Cor­byn.

1588

The Ar­mada. Im­pe­ri­al­ist Bri­tain causes mass blood­shed through its bru­tal treat­ment of Span­ish im­mi­grants.

1589-1613

The works of Shake­speare are writ­ten by Jeremy Cor­byn.

1642-51

The English Civil War. Im­pe­ri­al­ist Bri­tain causes mass blood­shed by at­tempt­ing to in­vade it­self.

1833

Slav­ery is abol­ished by Jeremy Cor­byn.

1914-18

The First World War. Im­pe­ri­al­ist Bri­tain causes mass blood­shed by in­vad­ing some fields in Bel­gium.

1918

Women are granted the right to vote by Jeremy Cor­byn.

1939-45

The Sec­ond World War. Im­pe­ri­al­ist Bri­tain causes mass blood­shed by in­vad­ing France and Ger­many. Mean­while, BNP ac­tivist Win­ston Churchill spends the en­tire con­flict selling gol­li­wogs on White­hall while shout­ing “Free Tommy Robin­son!” and “Send ’em all back!”

1945-89

The Soviet Union pre­sides over an era of peace, free­dom, pros­per­ity and so­cial jus­tice through­out Eastern Europe. When the Ber­lin Wall is brought down in 1989, thou­sands of West Ger­mans flock east­wards in search of a bet­ter life.

1982

Im­pe­ri­al­ist Bri­tain causes mass blood­shed by in­vad­ing the Falk­land

Is­lands.

1983

Jeremy Cor­byn is first elected as a Mem­ber of Par­lia­ment. In a cyn­i­cal ploy to dis­tract the me­dia from the mass cel­e­bra­tions of his tri­umph, Mar­garet Thatcher de­lib­er­ately wins the gen­eral elec­tion.

1997

Tory prime min­is­ter Tony Blair em­barks on a decade-long reign of ter­ror, in which he or­ders the im­me­di­ate de­por­ta­tion of all kit­tens, makes earn­ing less than £250,000 per an­num a cap­i­tal of­fence, and de­clares war against the Moon.

2015

The found­ing of the Labour Party. Jeremy Cor­byn is elected its first ever leader.

2017

The nas­cent Labour Party wins its first ever gen­eral elec­tion by a land­slide. Prime Min­is­ter Jeremy Cor­byn im­me­di­ately es­tab­lishes the Na­tional Health Ser­vice, in­tro­duces a na­tional min­i­mum wage, draws up the Good Fri­day Agree­ment, pi­o­neers Sure Start chil­dren’s cen­tres, in­vents tax cred­its, passes the Hu­man Rights Act and out­laws fox-hunt­ing.

Stu­dents in Can­ter­bury have banned the wear­ing of cow­boy out­fits at fancy dress par­ties, in the name of cul­tural sen­si­tiv­ity. Quite right, too. The out­fits could have caused un­told of­fence to Kent’s size­able Na­tive Amer­i­can com­mu­nity.

Other banned cos­tumes in­clude “Isil bomber”, “the Cru­sades” and “Mo­hammed (peace be upon him)”.

Upset­tingly, how­ever, the stu­dents have de­creed that it is ac­cept­able to dress up as “An­cient Greeks and Ro­mans”. How dis­ap­point­ing that a univer­sity should con­done this kind of cul­tural ap­pro­pri­a­tion. It is in­sen­si­tive enough that we have ap­pro­pri­ated the Ro­mans’ al­pha­bet and the Greeks’ math­e­mat­i­cal the­o­rems. Ap­par­ently, the stu­dents also con­sider it ac­cept­able to dress as “cave peo­ple” – a bla­tant af­front to the in­hab­i­tants of nearby Gilling­ham.

Still, it’s re­as­sur­ing that the stu­dents have banned dress­ing up as “Tories”. Since the elec­tion, Tories have been a mi­nor­ity in Can­ter­bury, so it’s good they’re be­ing treated with sen­si­tiv­ity.

The NHS is con­sid­er­ing plans for GPS to see pa­tients in groups of 15, rather than one-on-one. That should be fun.

“Take a seat, ev­ery­one. There’s the floor, my desk, the win­dowsill and the hat­stand if you don’t get a chair. Now, what seems to be the prob­lem? You kick us off, Mr Smith.”

“Er… well, doc­tor, it’s about my… er…”

“Ah yes, Mr Smith. That nasty out­break of boils you’ve got. Take off your trousers and we’ll see how they’re do­ing.”

“But… but…”

“Don’t be shy, Mr Smith. Mrs Jones here has ex­actly the same prob­lem. As you’ll see in a mo­ment. Now then, Mr Jenk­ins – what can I do for you?”

“I’m sorry, doc­tor, but my prob­lem is rather pri­vate. I don’t know if I can talk about it in front of all these –”

“Come along, Mr Jenk­ins, spit it out. I haven’t got all day. I’ve got an­other 1,635 pa­tients to see be­fore lunchtime. Yes, Miss Brown?”

“Well, doc­tor, I’m not quite sure how to put this. It’s ter­ri­bly em­bar­rass­ing. I’m afraid I may have caught –”

“Ah yes, that re­minds me. Tell us, Your Grace – how have you been get­ting on with that oint­ment?”

It’s a tough job: Jeremy Cor­byn cured the Black Death and founded the Labour Party

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