In today’s lesson: Jeremy abolishes the slave trade
Jeremy Corbyn has begun to set out his plans for education. In school history lessons, he wants all British pupils to learn about the evils of the British Empire and colonialism, and Britain’s role in the slave trade. But how else will the curriculum change under the next Labour government? Here’s a timeline of key events in history that all children will be expected to learn by heart.
The Battle of Hastings. Imperialist Britain causes mass bloodshed through its brutal treatment of French immigrants.
A cure for the Black Death is found by Jeremy Corbyn.
The Armada. Imperialist Britain causes mass bloodshed through its brutal treatment of Spanish immigrants.
The works of Shakespeare are written by Jeremy Corbyn.
The English Civil War. Imperialist Britain causes mass bloodshed by attempting to invade itself.
Slavery is abolished by Jeremy Corbyn.
The First World War. Imperialist Britain causes mass bloodshed by invading some fields in Belgium.
Women are granted the right to vote by Jeremy Corbyn.
The Second World War. Imperialist Britain causes mass bloodshed by invading France and Germany. Meanwhile, BNP activist Winston Churchill spends the entire conflict selling golliwogs on Whitehall while shouting “Free Tommy Robinson!” and “Send ’em all back!”
The Soviet Union presides over an era of peace, freedom, prosperity and social justice throughout Eastern Europe. When the Berlin Wall is brought down in 1989, thousands of West Germans flock eastwards in search of a better life.
Imperialist Britain causes mass bloodshed by invading the Falkland
Jeremy Corbyn is first elected as a Member of Parliament. In a cynical ploy to distract the media from the mass celebrations of his triumph, Margaret Thatcher deliberately wins the general election.
Tory prime minister Tony Blair embarks on a decade-long reign of terror, in which he orders the immediate deportation of all kittens, makes earning less than £250,000 per annum a capital offence, and declares war against the Moon.
The founding of the Labour Party. Jeremy Corbyn is elected its first ever leader.
The nascent Labour Party wins its first ever general election by a landslide. Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn immediately establishes the National Health Service, introduces a national minimum wage, draws up the Good Friday Agreement, pioneers Sure Start children’s centres, invents tax credits, passes the Human Rights Act and outlaws fox-hunting.
Students in Canterbury have banned the wearing of cowboy outfits at fancy dress parties, in the name of cultural sensitivity. Quite right, too. The outfits could have caused untold offence to Kent’s sizeable Native American community.
Other banned costumes include “Isil bomber”, “the Crusades” and “Mohammed (peace be upon him)”.
Upsettingly, however, the students have decreed that it is acceptable to dress up as “Ancient Greeks and Romans”. How disappointing that a university should condone this kind of cultural appropriation. It is insensitive enough that we have appropriated the Romans’ alphabet and the Greeks’ mathematical theorems. Apparently, the students also consider it acceptable to dress as “cave people” – a blatant affront to the inhabitants of nearby Gillingham.
Still, it’s reassuring that the students have banned dressing up as “Tories”. Since the election, Tories have been a minority in Canterbury, so it’s good they’re being treated with sensitivity.
The NHS is considering plans for GPS to see patients in groups of 15, rather than one-on-one. That should be fun.
“Take a seat, everyone. There’s the floor, my desk, the windowsill and the hatstand if you don’t get a chair. Now, what seems to be the problem? You kick us off, Mr Smith.”
“Er… well, doctor, it’s about my… er…”
“Ah yes, Mr Smith. That nasty outbreak of boils you’ve got. Take off your trousers and we’ll see how they’re doing.”
“Don’t be shy, Mr Smith. Mrs Jones here has exactly the same problem. As you’ll see in a moment. Now then, Mr Jenkins – what can I do for you?”
“I’m sorry, doctor, but my problem is rather private. I don’t know if I can talk about it in front of all these –”
“Come along, Mr Jenkins, spit it out. I haven’t got all day. I’ve got another 1,635 patients to see before lunchtime. Yes, Miss Brown?”
“Well, doctor, I’m not quite sure how to put this. It’s terribly embarrassing. I’m afraid I may have caught –”
“Ah yes, that reminds me. Tell us, Your Grace – how have you been getting on with that ointment?”
It’s a tough job: Jeremy Corbyn cured the Black Death and founded the Labour Party