Predictable PMQS is just an excuse for MPS to slink off for an early lunch

Welcome, once again, to PMQS: the joyous exercise in futility that is Jeremy Corbyn versus Theresa May. Or as it’s known to philosophers: the resistible force meets the movable object.

With each passing week, fewer and fewer MPS even bother to turn up for it.

At midday, when PMQS begins, the back benches already gape with empty spaces – and, as the exchanges wear listlessly on, those spaces grow, with MP after MP slipping out for an early lunch. Theresa May could probably slip out for an early lunch herself. I wonder how long it would take the House to notice.

Yesterday, the Tory benches were especially quiet – but not only because they had so few MPS on them. This was the last PMQS before the crucial EU summit, and the Tory mood was tense. Brexiteers were fidgety with apprehension: a stomach-clenching, buttock-tightening, cuticle-clawing unease. They wore the fretful scowls of football fans as a second goalless period of extra time crawls towards a shootout – in a cup tie they’d expected to win. Apart from some token heckling of Jeremy Corbyn, and mechanical hoorays as Mrs May recited a list of her domestic achievements, they sat in grim silence.

The atmosphere was exemplified by Michael Ellis (Con, Northampton North).

Normally at PMQS, Mr Ellis is his party’s most dutiful cheerleader. He hoots and bays at every scripted putdown, and slaps his thighs – literally slaps his thighs – at every scripted joke. He is deafeningly loyal, rapturously supportive, ecstatically deferential. Put it like this. During the days of David Cameron, I once watched Mr Ellis spend 10 minutes hovering by the door of the chamber, purely so he could have the honour of opening it for George Osborne.

Yesterday, however – as Mrs May once again insisted that her Chequers plan wasn’t dead, and once again promised to deliver what the majority voted for, and once again promised that there would be no second referendum – even Mr Ellis’s cheers seemed halfhearted.

Much of the time, he fiddled with his phone, or sat staring into the middle distance, arms folded. At one point, incredibly, he even yawned. Never did I think I’d live to see the day when Michael Ellis – Michael Ellis! – would yawn in the presence of a Conservative Prime Minister. Truly, we live in extraordinary times. The old certainties have been swept away like sandcastles.

Even the Speaker seemed to find this PMQS dull. Normally he lets it overrun by a good 20 minutes – but yesterday he let it overrun by a mere 10. By his standards, merciful.

Then again: maybe we’re being unfair. Maybe we’re all just jaded by two and a half solid years of Brexit. Maybe Mr Corbyn and Mrs May are better than we give them credit for, and we should take more interest in their clashes. After all, there may not be many more of them left.