Of course the real drama is the Great British ‘fake off ’
There is a bad smell coming out of The Great British Bake Off tent and it isn’t just the blackened bits on the bottom of Rahul’s Danish pastries. If you watched the show last Tuesday you will know that the Kolkata-born research scientist, probably the most gifted baker of the original 12, crashed and burned (literally).
In the ill-fated Danish week, Rahul produced raw bread, came last in the technical and even managed to char the parts of his showstopper. Talk about Scandi noir. For once, Rahul’s fretful doominess, which makes him look like a shy woodland creature cornered by wolves, was justified.
And yet judges Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith sent home Manon Lagreve, the delicious French baker who had at least managed to produce edible offerings. “Sacré bleu!” cried viewers, or, in Anglo Saxon, “Fix!”
Paul Hollywood, that insufferably pleased-with-himself Pills bury Doughboy, always insists that it’s performance on the day, not track record. So what’s your excuse, Paul?
Did the producers have Rahul lined up for the final and have to get him there? Never mind that his aebleskiver pancakes owed more to Chernobyl than Denmark.
To further annoy armchair conspiracy theorists, Ruby was named star baker when Briony’s overall performance looked stronger. Vivacious, droll Ruby appears to be one of Paul’s favourites.
Sure enough, last night in patisserie week, the bakers were asked to make madeleines. Ruby’s were atrocious – they wouldn’t have got fourth place in my Brownie pack’s cake competition. “The flavour’s amazin’,” improvised Paul. “Not your best,” said Prue tartly, which is the equivalent of Craig Revel Horwood’s “Disaster, dahling!”
Anybody who produces a bake that childishly bad in the semis doesn’t deserve to go through, but I bet Ruby does. (I’m writing this before they announce who was going home.)
Why do complaints that reality shows are “fixed” crop up so much? Because they’re essentially true, that’s why. The mistake is to think of them as “factual” programmes at all. They’re much closer to drama in the way they seek to create fake suspense, develop characters’ storylines and manipulate the viewers’ sympathy.
In the same week that Rahul was rescued from the ashes of his Bake Off journey, on Strictly a former favourite to win the show, the Capital Breakfast DJ Vick Hope, was eliminated with her partner Graziano Di Prima. The judges opted to save comedian Seann Walsh and his partner Katya Jones. To the untutored eye, Seann’s quickstep looked a lot like a man with his tie trapped in the door of a speeding bus.
A bitterly disappointed Vick suggested that producers had a “weird conflab” with the judges before the result of the dance-off was announced to stunned silence in the studio.
Was it the right decision? Vick had the makings of a wonderful dancer. Unfortunately, she was assigned to Graziano, who was more interested in showcasing the gorgeous Italian studness that is Graziano than teaching his partner basic technique.
With his long coal-black locks and matching goatee, Graziano is what you would get if you put Robert de Niro in a microwave. Delicious, but utterly useless.
Alas, poor Vick. Her natural dancing talent (and fabulous hair) were no match for Seann and Katya’s ability to generate headlines since they were caught kissing in the street. If in doubt, the result will always turn out to be what helps the ratings most.
There is only one winner in the Great British Fix: the show.
Did the producers have Rahul lined up for the final and have to get him there?