Why non-singles are signing up to dating apps
It may start out as an innocent snoop, but now dating app divorces are on the rise, discovers Eleanor Steafel
‘Only here for a short time. Ethically non-monogamous. Potential vacancy for lover, theatre buddy, or one-off fling.” So goes the thoroughly unenticing personal bio of one 39-year-old man I come across during some mindless Tinder swiping on my commute.
In dating app parlance, ethically non-monogamous could be loosely translated as “in a relationship, but greedy”. Though they were once the preserve of the young, free and single, looking for love – or at least a no-strings good time – dating apps are now hotbeds for those already coupled up, looking for titillation and an ego boost on the side.
According to one recent study of European and American online dating users by Erasmus University in the Netherlands, 25 per cent of users on Tinder (which facilitates more than one million dates in 190 countries around the globe every week) come with many, sometimes hidden, strings attached.
Figures for the UK are unclear, but Elisabeth Timmermans, the lead researcher, says data from the US suggests that over half of users there are already in a relationship.
Some actively pose as single. Some are just window shopping. Some, like the chap mentioned above, appear to be in open relationships. Others admit: “Yes, I’m married, no she doesn’t know I’m on here, that’s part of the thrill …”
Couples have even been seen with joint profiles, searching for ways to spice up their marriage.
Whatever their story, the Erasmus study found that “non-single” Tinder users “report a higher number of romantic relationships, French kisses, one-night stands, and casual sexual relationships with other Tinder users compared to single Tinder users”.
All of which is probably bad news for singles genuinely looking for The One. Far worse, of course, is the idea that your spouse might secretly betray you by setting up a profile themselves.
It could be a slippery slope. If your thumb is agile enough, you could hypothetically flick through upwards of 500 Tinder profiles on your iphone while watching the 10 o’clock news.
And when swiping turns to chatting, it would be easy enough to secretly have multiple conversations with strangers over Whatsapp while sitting next to your spouse on the sofa.
In an era when our entire lives play out on our smartphones, it follows that our affairs are conducted on them, too.
Family lawyer Nicola Mcinnes says she is seeing more clients filing for divorce after catching their spouse on a dating app. “There has definitely been an increase in husbands and wives going on to an app like Tinder and having a bit of a nosy,” she says.
“It might just be for a bit of a giggle at first and then it can turn into something more serious. People start looking and before they know it they’re saying things they shouldn’t be saying.”
Interestingly, Ms Mcinnes sees more husbands who have discovered their wives on dating apps than vice versa (she puts this down to women being “more curious”).
She believes that people who turn to apps when they are going through a bad patch in their marriage often see it as an easy, harmless way to test the waters, but that it can all too quickly spiral into a more extreme betrayal. “People like attention, that’s what it comes down to. And if you’re not getting the attention you probably need, you look elsewhere for it.
“It’s almost like checking what’s out there before you do anything. But it’s not like going on Facebook and reconnecting with a friend, because Tinder is specifically a dating app.”
Years ago, clients would hand her envelopes with grainy photographs of cheating spouses at illicit meetups – now, she is handed USBS filled with screenshots of conversations snatched from their husband or wife’s ipad.
Some find out through oldfashioned snooping – linking Apple IDS and Uber accounts to shared devices has much to answer for – others through single friends who have made an awkward discovery.
A colleague tells me she regularly sees one friend’s partner on multiple dating apps. She thought they might be old, undeleted profiles – until he sent her a “Like” on one of them.
“At that point, I felt I had to let her know,” she said. “She was angry and upset but after a showdown he convinced her he’d been ‘acting out’ because she nagged him all the time.
“I’ve seen his profile pop up several times on Tinder since, which suggests he’s actively using it again, but I haven’t said anything. Our friendship has cooled significantly since I last spoke to her about it, and I don’t know how well it would go down.”
The lines are, some would argue, blurred. “Swiping is just a way to pass time sometimes,” says Carl*, 35, who never deleted his Tinder profile after meeting his long-term girlfriend on the app. “Friends and I mess about to see who can get the most matches (I always lose). If someone sends a message though, that’s different.”
But one person’s cheating is another’s innocent chatting. So how far is too far? If your husband chatted to a couple of people to prop up his ego, but never met them – is that grounds for divorce?
Gurpreet Singh, a counsellor for Relate, the relationship charity, says an apparent rise in open relationships has made attached people on dating apps even more of a grey area.
He said: “What is considered cheating is dependent on each person and each couple.
“For some people, if they suspect an emotional connection they consider that cheating. In other instances, going on the dating app isn’t but if you go and meet someone then yes, that is.”
The common thread, he believes, is loneliness, and the validation fix an interaction with someone on an app can provide – the Erasmus study reported that “narcissism and Machiavellianism were positively associated with using Tinder for an ego-boost”.
“If there’s a gap in the relationship that’s generally what leads to these sorts of things,” said Mr Singh. “Somebody’s not feeling completely like they belong in a relationship, and instead of addressing what the problem is in the relationship they will go outside it, because it’s that much easier to do.
“Creating a profile takes minutes. To get a few responses takes minutes. Between motivation and action there used to be such a long gap, but now between motivation and action there is 60 seconds.”
One app, Hinge, has introduced a function that allows users to give feedback on people they’ve met, meaning you could notify them if your date turned out to be married.
But the “We Met” feature is the first of its kind – most apps have no means of sifting out people already in long-term relationships, let alone a way to alert other users that someone is posing as single.
It’s hard to imagine that beyond that initial ego boost, being chatted up online provides real gratification, even for the loneliest of spouses. It’s rare to make real connections on a dating app, even when you’re single.
But as Ms Mcinnes says: “Life is quite mundane at times and this is just not real life at all” – and that, clearly, is all part of the appeal.
Some names have been changed
‘Yes, I’m married, and no, she doesn’t know I’m on here – that’s part of the thrill...’