Public displays of affection: the new rules
As Michelle Obama reveals the truth behind the time she clutched the Queen, Charlotte Lytton feels her way through the etiquette jungle
These are tricky times for the tactile among us; a shoulder squeeze capable of causing an ethical quandary, our phones now being the recipients of most of our physical touch. Some comfort, then, to see that the royals, arbiters of protocol and proper-ness, are doing away with the invisible bargepole previously erected between them and embracing a more touchy-feely dawn.
It all started in 2009 when then First Lady Michelle Obama rested a shapely arm on the Queen’s back – a gesture that was, at the time, dubbed an “epic faux pas”, yet it turned out the sovereign actually rather liked it. And the younger royals are now at it too, most recently seen last weekend in the Duke of Cambridge’s gentle placing of a hand on his wife’s back; the kind of public display of affection the pair had previously eschewed.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are to thank for this hike in haptics, having significantly upped the Pdaante since their wedding in May (no doubt helped by the Duchess’s Hollywood credentials) and seen in a similar paw-just-aboveposterior embrace on multiple occasions. Not to mention cosying up under an umbrella on their royal tour in Australia, strolling arm in arm on a forest walk in New Zealand and smooching at the races.
Among couples, then, it appears that PDAS have gone full circle, transitioning seamlessly from Deeply Uncool to Quite Nice Actually. Yet when it comes to social events, the workplace or even the gym, the weight of Metoo looms large, and it’s hard to know what – if anything – is up for grabs any more.
So what exactly are the new rules for public patting?
Social occasions
Glasses being constantly refilled, music and frivolity in the air – the number of ways to slip up at a social gathering are infinite, not least when you throw a monarch into the mix, as Michelle Obama found almost a decade ago. It’s easy to see how it all unfolded, when you think about it – having mentally run through all the small talk options ahead of time, you decide to freewheel it. Then lo and behold, you end up bonding over how uncomfortable your respective shoes are and suddenly you’re clutching the monarch of 16 nations as if she’s your neighbour mid-rendition of Auld Lang Syne.
Contrary to those who criticised the over-familiarity, the Queen was a fan, responding by “pull[ing] closer, resting a gloved hand lightly on the small of my back”, Obama describes in her new memoir, Becoming.
We’ve all likely got too friendly when dressed in our best and caught up in the occasion, going in for a squeeze when getting on roaringly with a new acquaintance, but take things too far and you’ll be struck off the invite list until the end of time.
Do: Keep it jovial, clink away and extend an arm to your newfound pal – provided you’re only making contact from the waist up.
Don’t: Slosh red wine all down their front and start dabbing at verboten areas
suggestively with a napkin.
Gym time
A steamy-mirrored hot yoga studio, a diligent instructor’s fingers lightly manoeuvring your hips as he or she corrects your downward dog – given the myriad Metoo movements that exposed overt handsiness in every arena it is a wonder, perhaps, that the land of the sweat-flecked and tightly clothed has (thus far) managed to escape scot-free. And mat-dwellers are keen to keep things that way, now even enlisting “consent cards” to ensure no foul play throws their practice off-piste.
But when does a trainer veer from thorough to thoroughly unseemly?
Do: Allow a guiding palm to help you find the right position. Just the once.
Don’t: Make excuses if hands keep finding themselves where they shouldn’t. And if there are routine suggestions to disrobe due to “broken air-conditioning”, run.
School gates
Hug or handshake at parents’ evening? And at the school gates? Tricky, though if your otherwise disinterested husband suggests a lavish gift for the blonde form tutor who’s partial to a short skirt, that could be a giveaway.
There’s a lot at stake here, after all – do wrong by the teachers, and there’ll be a black mark against your child’s name forever; do so against fellow parents, and such a stain will besmirch the record of both your offspring and yourself, which is obviously worse.
So when it comes to making pleasantries at drop-off, it’s best to err on the side of caution again – no cheek-kissing for the dads if you’re just extending stiff hugs to the mums; you’ll only end up the subject of bitchy Whatsapp group chats afterwards.
Do: Extend the same greeting – hug, single kiss, whichever works – to all.
Don’t: Enter into private conversations via text with other pupils’ husbands.
Working world
An ill-timed reach for the milk, welcoming a colleague back after maternity leave, navigating the narrow corner by the filing cabinets: the office has become a veritable viper’s nest for encounters of the awkward kind, with every onceinnocuous interaction now probable cause for a lengthy HR report.
Though the blanket (and likely quite wise) rule of thumb might be Avoid Colleague-based Human Contact At All Costs Ever, these things, as our esteemed global leaders show, leave us firmly in the grey area. Take, for instance, Emmanuel Macron and Angela Merkel clasping one another’s hands at the Armistice memorial last weekend, posted on social media with a single word – “united” – the perfect emblem of just how potent a certain closeness between colleagues can be.
That is until you consult the vast, vast evidence to the contrary: Macron clutching Donald Trump’s knee at the Elysée Palace, or the President gripping our Prime Minister’s paws on a worrying number of occasions.” Toe-curling, every last one.
Do: Keep things friendly – without touching, where possible.
Don’t: Grab, grip or grasp – or follow one of said clangers up with “Ha ha, don’t go referring me to management now, will you! Will you?”
Other halves
We have established it is acceptable to publicly demonstrate you and your partner are not physically repulsed by one another, and both Princes have been doing a good line in showing affection that doesn’t descend into downright filth. Yet while a certain level of tactileness is fine, anything OTT remains strictly out of bounds.
Do: A kiss or placing of a hand on your beloved – we’re permitting a gentle perch on the bottom, even.
Don’t: Get carried away. Finding your partner irresistible after a long period together is to be admired – but ideally by one another alone, and behind closed doors.
It’s hard to know what, if anything, is up for grabs any more