MODERN LIFE SHANE WATSON
Good for nothing Does your husband meet Kirstie Allsopp’s minimum standards?
When he puts on the washing, is he putting it on 30 degrees or just whacking it on boil? That would explain a lot
As you will know, Kirstie Allsopp is a TV presenter and self-appointed tweeter of messages from the domestic front line. There was the one about not having a washing machine in the kitchen, and one about smashing the children’s ipads. The latest is: “Confession: if you can’t bleed a radiator, I couldn’t find you attractive #justsaying #requirementsinapartner.”
This shouldn’t be contentious. Anyone can see where Kirstie is coming from on this one. You wouldn’t have a coffee, let alone get involved, with someone who couldn’t bleed a radiator. As if.
Naturally, this has made us think about those other #requirementsinapartner that have fallen by the wayside. Including:
The washing-up
Not kidding. We are still at the “Not the Brillo pad on that, for God’s sake” stage, and “Don’t put that enormous plate in the dishwasher… look, the whirly thing can’t go round! Loook!” Also: “Why is the salad bowl coated in soap suds? Why has it got soap on it at all?” We use the salad bowl 250 nights of the year, but its maintenance has still not sunk in. This worries us more generally. When he puts on the washing, is he putting it on 30 degrees or just whacking it on boil? That would explain a lot.
Technology and DIY
Only this week, we found him measuring the TV (for an upgrade on Black Friday) not on the diagonal but widthways. La la la la la. Everything of this nature eventually requires the intervention of a very patient professional. These people will sometimes ask if he has a drill or a Phillips screwdriver. They might as well be asking if he owns a pair of winged roller-skates.
Knowing about cars
There are two lights permanently flashing on the dashboard of his car, next to symbols that look like an oil dispenser and a fire.
Applying for permits
Or not, and illegally parking in the local supermarket… until clamped.
Fridge management
You wrap the cheese in waxy paper, you don’t put the whole cheeseboard in the fridge, including some wine-stained oatcakes, a shrivelled grape branch and some… cigarette ash.
Basic survival
Not even close. It’s not that long since he tried to light a Calor Gas stove inside a bell tent.
Shopping skills
Good on wines and spirits and cheese, otherwise very hit and miss. Quite likely to emerge grim-faced an hour and a half into a basic shop for the weekend and say: “They don’t sell vinegar.”
Security awareness
As in locking up the house if going away. There will be some locking-up, just not the full quota. On your return, a downstairs window will be open, the heating will be on and the alarm will be doing a sad half “not quite set, I’m afraid” beep.
Dealing with workmen
Eg, the boiler man. “What did he say? What did he do? What’s the banging noise about and the flickering red needle?” No point asking him. He was pretending to listen with his arms folded and his legs spread very wide, as if playing tunnels.
Getting to places
Well. He once went to Hythe in Essex, not Hythe in Kent. Often you see him shooting past the designated meeting point, hanging a right and heading north at speed.