True difference between male & female brains

SHANE WATSON

Did you see the news? Women’s brains are four years younger than men’s. Or, to put it another way, the female brain ages more slowly. This is terrific news because it means now we can legitimately get back to itemising all the ways in which the male and female brain differ. Lately, that has been out of bounds (sexist!) but now – ta dah! – science to the rescue, and we’re happy to follow up with some scientific facts of our own. For example:

Men’s brains are allergic to negative news in a domestic context. We’ll say: this is bad and then it will get worse and that will be the horrendous consequence. Our brains thrive on What If? disaster scenarios. Men’s brains are set to: Let’s Not Think Bad Things. It’s Fine. I Refuse To Go There. Or, alternatively: Right, We Are Building a Bunker, Now. There is no midway. No middle ground. Women: the opposite.

Men’s speech synapses are disconnected most of the time. They may be thinking, “That field of snowdrops reminds me of a John Everett Millais”, but they’re only going to say it if that thought occurs during a connected window; otherwise they’re keeping it to themselves. Women: opposite.

Men’s brains are put on fear alert by lots of small, surprising things. A really long wine list. A very low-cut top (with a person inside it who must be spoken to confidently and without breaking eye contact). Cutting cheese correctly. Spa treatments involving the wearing of paper pants. Being teamed up with fit, younger men for sports. Smart casual dress code. Meeting strangers at a time of day when you can’t drink. Having a haircut (especially the talking part). Talking therapies (see previous point). Applying sun cream to persons other than their wife or children. Women: not bothered.

Men’s brains react very positively to exercise that hurts, drink that burns and food that makes them feel stuffed. They are ambivalent about sushi and raw food in general. Women: the opposite.

Men’s brains glow when they see their old friends. An old friend could be outbidding them on the house of their dreams and their brains would still glow and think: “Oh, silly old Boomer, he’s such a silly one.” Women: the opposite (we have Boomer’s card marked. No reprieve.)

Men’s brains are soothed by watching sport and talking about sport and even playing sport. Some women’s are, too.

Men’s brains are wired to Anything For a Quiet Life on the home front. They take a stand at work: kick ass, ring people up who have fallen short of expectations and give them what for. But at home, given the choice between Standing Up For What is Right and Not Rocking The Boat, they are choosing the latter every single time. Women: the opposite, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a point of principle. Women are very happy to rock the boat, kill the motor and see what happens.

Men’s brains are set to Naturally Like. There has to be something very rum indeed going on for men to decide this new person is not quite up their alley. Women are not so quick to not judge. We try to keep an open mind, but sometimes a small detail – are you seeing how she is eating that ice cream? – will make the difference between Thumbs Up and Hmm, We’ll See.

Men’s brains like the idea of vast family get-togethers, fancy dress parties, holidays involving four families and three separate locations and cooking something challenging for 18 when they’re not getting back until half an hour before. Women can see the pitfalls.

Men’s brains have odd spatial awareness settings. There is the manspreading thing, but also the standing legs either side of a canyon thing (widest so far achieved by George Osborne… we thought he’d have to be winched back in by a Spad.) Women, very spatially aware, obviously.

Mind the gap

The real differences between male and female brains

Men’s brains react very positively to exercise that hurts … Women: the opposite