The big shopping debate
News that Ocado is divorcing its old partner to get into bed with Marks & Sparks has sent shockwaves through Middle England. Whose side are you on, asks Debora Robertson
Are you weeping or whooping as Ocado ditches Waitrose for M&S?
It’s been an unseasonably sunny February, and we’re almost at that point in the year when those stiff invitations to summer weddings begin to drop through the letterbox. But this week, a much more thrilling and potentially divisive merger was announced, one that will knock the nuptials of Toby and Olivia et al into a cocked fascinator.
The marriage has been announced between Ocado and Marks & Spencer, with Ocado ditching its first beloved retail partner, Waitrose.
This has thrown the country’s middle-class grocery shoppers into a state of signed, sealed, delivered apoplexy not seen since some branches of Waitrose replaced china with paper plates in its cafés. Yes, we all know Ocado and Waitrose have been bickering in that you-need-memore-than-i-need-you sort of way for years, but I guess we always thought they would stay together for the sake of the chickpeas.
In this new arrangement, which will begin in September next year at the latest, Marks & Spencer is paying £750million to shack up with delivery dynamo, Ocado. But will it work? Most Marks & Spencer food customers are small-basket shoppers, dropping in at lunch time or on the way home from work for a ready meal or a tub of fruit salad, unlike Waitrose’s more punchy £100 plus trolley-shoppers, who will leave no aisle unturned in search of their panko breadcrumbs or kaffir lime leaves. It is yet to be seen whether the possibility of popping a cashmere sweater or a multipack of pants in with the weekly shop’s hummus and lasagne will be enough to satiate customers’ longings.
There are those who will fret, obviously, because all change is challenging. I was recently chatting to a woman who was anxious about a move north because of the absence of Waitrose and therefore the terrifying possibility of an absence of Ocado deliveries. Forget the lively cities and breathtaking landscapes, her lifechanging decision was based on the potential inaccessibility of Heston’s Jasmine Tea Hot Smoked Mackerel. A few years ago, upmarket estate agents Savills published research that revealed across the country, house prices in postcodes with a branch of Waitrose were 25 per cent higher than those without. Whether it is coincidence or causation, this struggle is real.
But before the grip of grocery depression takes hold across the land and we all start acting out, it is important to remember that
“mummy shop” and “daddy delivery” breaking up will not alter any of our lives that significantly. They both still love us, and much of what Ocado sells will not change. The Waitrose part of its range is relatively small, and its exclusive deals with other suppliers will remain the same, such as the one it has with French frozen foods company Picard, known by the Mumsnet crowd as Waitrose on Ice. Yes, Sue, you will still be able to order your frozen snails or tartiflette. Take a breath.
Personally, I will continue to use Ocado because its drivers are so cheery and kind and are the only ones of all the delivery companies who don’t ask me if I realised I lived on a red route and parking was hell (it’s central London – I’d noticed). Also, they appear to have actual humans in charge of substitutions, so you’re unlikely to get some sort of mad replacement.
A recent Which? report into online grocery deliveries marked Ocado highest, but Asda lowest – in part because some customers reported it was rare to have a delivery without substitutions, and some of them were downright bizarre, with parsley replacing basil, potato gratin instead of macaroni cheese and red wine vinegar replaced with a bottle of red wine. And where is the convenience in that?
Are you more Marks & Spencer?
Do you like a treat, but also to live unencumbered by having to spend every evening chopping and dicing and slicing and simmering, like some sort of demented sous chef? Would you rather watch Masterchef than be one? M&S is for you.
Are you keen on a steak pie? The M&S Best Ever Steak Pie sold 20,000 items in two days, and had sold out completely by 3pm on its first day on the shelves.
Do you like your Sunday roast to come nicely packaged and labelled, so you can almost – if not quite – pretend it was never an animal at all? No grubbing about in entrails for you.
Do you like a meal deal that doesn’t make you feel a bit dirty? As though you’re enjoying something you might eat at your local pub, without the ear-bending from Barry, who’s four pints in and ranting about bin collections.
Do you like a canapé you never had to coax into being yourself, because seriously, who has the time to rösti? You can keep it real with mini quiche bites and pork pies, go heavy on the unironic vol-au-vents, and show your adventurous side with a platter of Sticky Asian-style Chicken Lollipops.
Are you knackered? You might be racing for the train, but if you’re
This has thrown the country’s middleclass shoppers into a state of apoplexy
Breathe! Much of what Ocado sells won’t change
quick, you can just about manage a speedy run into a station M&S before throwing yourself into the 6.08pm cattle truck. It’s comforting to know you won’t have to go feral and have toast for dinner at the other end. Again.
Do you like a traditional sweetie? Clotted cream fudge, Percy Pigs, rhubarb and custard drops or wine gums your impulse buy of choice? No question, M&S has that nailed.
Are you more Waitrose?
Do you like to cook from scratch? Does the sight of some fruit or vegetable you’ve never met before fill you with delight? Do you walk down your road each Christmas brandishing those Brussels sprouts on the stalk like a conquering sword? Are you secretly thrilled you are the first person in your family to eat tat soi? You’re a Waitron, baby.
Do you like a trend? For your food to come with a sense of irony? If so, you could be one of the people who made Waitrose’s Avocado Egg the most popular Easter egg they’ve ever sold, prompting an emergency restocking programme. So much more right for now than a fluffy chick or a furry bunny.
Do you enjoy opening up a conversation with your friends at a dinner party with, “Well, actually…”? If so, you might well be one of those who rejoiced when Waitrose brought offal, salsify and other recherché delights back into circulation.
Do you like a proper butchery counter and a fishmonger, because it makes you feel like you are on an actual high street without potential rain damage to your best shoes?
Do you eschew sweets, but lose yourself in raptures over some sort of single-estate 90 per cent cocoa chocolate bar (even if it does make your mouth feel like parched earth)? Once you’ve had a glass of water, we’re all ready for your lecture about antioxidants.
Are you mad about all the cool Ks? Kimchi, kombucha and kefir are never off your shopping list – you love them so much you’d considered naming your cat after one of them, but there are already seven so-called on your road, and you don’t want it to get confusing.