Huffing, puffing Eton Wall Game becomes an Eton mess

What we’ve been watching in Parliament, ever since the referendum, is the political equivalent of the Eton Wall Game. An obscure sport with opaque rules, played by an elite few, and which to the bewildered outsider appears to consist solely of a never-ending scrum. For all the effort and exertion, all the pushing and pulling, nothing actually seems to happen: just a grunting, grinding stalemate, in which two teams struggle in vain to inch forward along a farcically narrow pitch.

Sometimes one team appears to have the upper hand; sometimes it’s the other. But no matter how long play drags on for, neither ever scores.

Yesterday in the Commons, the two teams settled wearily down to their latest face-off. “The Government is no closer to making progress,” sighed Labour’s Sir Keir Starmer. “Not one word of the Withdrawal Agreement has changed since it was signed off on November 25. That’s 94 days ago …”

Officially, Theresa May is still trying to squeeze some sort of concession out of the EU, but, to judge from the debate yesterday, few in the Commons believe she’ll get it. Most MPS, at least on the Opposition side, spoke as if the defeat of her deal were a formality; all they wanted to talk about was what would happen afterwards. Would ministers vote in favour of a no-deal Brexit, or against it? If MPS demanded an extension of the Article 50 period, how long would that extension be? And what exactly would Mrs May do with it?

These questions, however, were largely futile, because the minister speaking for the Government – David Lidington – didn’t want to concede that the deal was doomed. So when MPS asked him about the future, he simply told them that he wouldn’t go into “the realms of the hypothetical”. Would ministers vote for or against no-deal? That was hypothetical.

What would Mrs May do with an extension? That was hypothetical. And so on and so on – with, as usual, neither side getting anywhere.

This isn’t to say the wall game is dull, necessarily. But it can be difficult to follow, even for those playing it.

Yesterday Alberto Costa (Con, S Leics) tabled an amendment guaranteeing to protect the rights of EU citizens. Sajid Javid, the Home Secretary, told MPS that the Government was supporting it. Stewart Mcdonald (SNP, Glasgow S) expressed surprise. Mr Javid frowned.

“When was the Government not supporting it?” asked Mr Javid. “When did you hear that?” “Yesterday,” said Mr Mcdonald. “Who from?” asked Mr Javid. “The Prime Minister,” said Mr Mcdonald.

Mr Javid gaped. “Did you?” he murmured. “Oh. Right.”

An hour later, Mr Costa was forced to resign from his junior government job, just for tabling the amendment. But then, a couple of hours after that, the Government announced it would back the amendment anyway.

I did say the rules were confusing.