Will the organ grinder tell the junior monkey the answer to these very interesting questions?

With time running out, and panic growing, Jeremy Corbyn demanded that Theresa May come to the Commons and give an urgent update on Brexit. The Prime Minister, however, didn’t turn up. And she didn’t even send the Brexit Secretary in her place.

Labour MPS fumed. “It’s customary on these occasions for the House to complain that the Government has sent the monkey, and not the organ grinder,” grumbled Kevin Brennan (Lab, Cardiff West). “But on this occasion, we haven’t even got the monkey!”

What they’d got instead was something more closely resembling a guinea pig. A gentle, harmless-looking creature, with sandy hair and an air of anxious amenability, Robin Walker is a junior minister in the Brexit department, and it was he who’d been shoved into the chamber as Mrs May’s stand-in. MPS peppered him with questions. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to know many of the answers.

For example, he didn’t seem to know whether Theresa May would be flying out for last-minute talks with the EU. And he didn’t seem to know whether any deal she did strike could be approved by EU heads of government in time for today’s Commons vote. In fact, he seemed certain of only one thing, which he repeated, in his unassuming manner, numerous times. It was that, whatever deal Theresa May ended up putting to MPS, they should definitely vote for it.

The following exchange was typical. Patrick Mcloughlin (Con, Derbyshire Dales) asked Mr Walker how much money, if any, the UK would have to pay the EU in the event of a no-deal.

“My right honourable friend asks a very interesting question,” replied Mr Walker. “Of course, there are a range of different views on that.” MPS waited to hear what Mr Walker’s was. But they never found out. He left his answer there, and sat down.

John Bercow, the Speaker, peered at Mr Walker in bemusement. When an MP asked a minister a question, he explained, it was generally because he or she hoped they would answer it.

Mr Walker listened earnestly – but did not expand.

If we left without a deal, asked Stephen Crabb (Con, Preseli Pembrokeshire), wouldn’t the EU refuse to talk to us until we stumped up the money it claims we owe?

“My right honourable friend asks a very interesting hypothetical question,” replied Mr Walker, again. As before, however, he did not answer it.

At Oxford, apparently, Mr Walker studied history. His essays must have been quick to mark. Just “This is a very interesting question”, followed by blank space.

Shortly after Mr Walker was released from his ordeal, Mrs May did indeed jet off to Strasbourg. Let’s hope she comes back with something. And that she remembers to tell Mr Walker what it is.