We always beat England – off the field at least
Calcutta Cups proved elusive for me, but when it came to the drinking games we held our own
Ialways looked forward to playing against the Auld Enemy, even if my Calcutta Cup record – played eight, lost eight – means that I do not have particularly fond memories of heading down to Twickenham.
The Calcutta Cup has so much history and tradition, but it was also a chance to settle a few old scores. In my first match against England, Wade Dooley taught me what the Calcutta Cup is all about. He was walking past me and then suddenly I am caught with an elbow to the temple. Bang. Perforated ear drum. Nice to meet you, Wade.
Unfortunately for me, England had a fairly handy team in those days, with the likes of Martin Johnson, Jonny Wilkinson and Richard Hill. But they also had a fair proportion of, let us call them “characters”, who you really looked forward to playing against: Will Carling, Austin Healey, Matt Dawson and Brian Moore. You just wanted to get a hold of them to say hello in the politest possible way.
To our mind, they were the epitome of the arrogant Englishman stereotype. It is funny how your opinion changes when you get to know people. Mickey Skinner, though, he was just a numpty. Any time he thought you were looking too immaculate at the post-match dinner, he would pour a jug of water over you, which got less funny the more times he did it.
Even if we did not win many battles on the pitch against England, we made sure we won our fair share off the field. I still chuckle about what happened to Neil Back after he won his first cap against us in 1994. As is tradition after your debut, everyone offers you a drink. Now Neil was quite young then and probably a bit wet behind the ears when it came to his drink. Probably because he was such a dedicated player. So of course, I took advantage of that.
Sitting down next to him, I filled up a red wine glass and a white wine glass, but gave him the bigger glass and told him to down his drink. We did that a couple more times without him noticing the difference in size. Then I ordered a triple gin and tonic and a tonic water and we had two of them, with me having the tonic water. We said our goodbyes and I later heard he fell asleep in the toilet of the team bus. Because the door only opened on the inside they had to pretty much leave him there for the night. That is a moral victory if ever there was one.
Scotland’s last trip to Twickenham in 2017 was grim for a number of reasons. First, Scotland got hosed by 60 points. Second, and even more upsetting, we had made the trip as a family and one of my sons, Angus, decided to wear an England shirt. I may never live that down. We have not fed him since.
I am not all that hopeful today. Scotland have not won at Twickenham since 1983, and while I am very fond of saying all runs must come to an end, I just cannot see it happening. Those with long memories may recall I predicted that Scotland would win the title in these pages not so long ago. Mystic Meg I am not. In fairness, I said Scotland would go well providing they avoided one or two injuries. Instead they have had a whole battalion of players missing. I am half expecting Gregor Townsend to call to check whether I still have my boots.
I have always said that when you look at their resources, Scotland should not be even be competing with England. In England there are 12 teams in the Premiership and a number of professional teams in the second tier. Scotland have two professional teams. England should be putting 50-60 points on us every time. But that is what makes the Six Nations special. No one ever thought Scotland would turn them over at Murrayfield last year but they did.
What I cannot understand is why Eddie Jones is being all sour about Scotland’s players celebrating their win. These victories only come around once every 10 years so what does he expect us to do? A handshake and a pat on the back? To my mind, there is no point in being a rugby player if you cannot enjoy the good times when they come, preferably with one or two beers. As a Scot you have to seize those moments.
Who knows, with Scotland missing so many players maybe that lack of experience will mean a team playing without fear or intimidation? That is the optimistic interpretation.
Still, it is set up to be a fabulous final weekend. We have just set up a new widescreen TV and the beer fridge is fully stocked. Let the games commence.
After one post-game dinner, Neil Back fell asleep in the toilet on the bus