Michael DEACON
If Theresa May wants to request another delay to Brexit she’ll need to tell the EU exactly what Parliament intends to do with the extra time. Here’s a suggestion.
Not a referendum. Not a general election. Instead – a holiday.
And a long one, too. Because God knows, Parliament needs it. After two solid years of spirit-crushing, scalpclawing chaos, every inhabitant of that Gothic Gehenna looks like a nervous wreck. You might as well expect a workable Brexit plan from a cage of sleep-deprived chimps.
Take yesterday’s emergency debate – the umpteenth on Mrs May’s forlorn and friendless deal. It was all over the place. Eyes were wild. Metaphors were mangled. (Labour’s Nick Thomassymonds, bellowed that Tory Simon Hoare, was “dancing on the head of a pin to produce a fig leaf!”) Anna Soubry, the ex-tory Remainer, even got the name of her own party wrong. “We’re going to change the face of British politics!” she squawked. “That’s why we call ourselves … Change.org!” Her party is called Change UK. Change.org is a petitions website.
Various Tory Brexiteers did their best not to blush while confessing that they were now voting for the exact same deal that weeks earlier they’d denounced as slavery and vassalage. Among them was Dominic Raab, the former Brexit secretary, who was suddenly backing the deal he’d resigned over in order to oppose. In November he said he had to oppose it because it was “worse than staying in”. Yesterday he said he had to support it because it was better than staying in.
Perhaps, like everyone else in the Commons, he’s simply shattered, and has no idea what he’s said before.
A doughty rump of Brexiteers, however, refused to surrender. In their eyes, this wasn’t a true Brexit, and they would never accept anything less. “This [deal] isn’t compromise, it’s capitulation!” cried Sir Bill Cash, nobly. It was like watching a captain salute as he went down with his ship.
Exhaustion gave way to anger. SNP Remainers attacked Labour Remainers. Tory MPS attacked Tory ministers (“I’m not taking an intervention from a front bench,” snapped John Baron, “that has negotiated such a disastrous deal!”).
The House was united in only one sense – everybody was equally miserable. “I was hoping to crack open some champagne tonight,” sighed Gareth Johnson (Con, Dartford).
“I’m more likely to be reaching for the anti-depressants.” They voted at 2.30pm. The deal lost. Again. Mrs May glowered, scolded MPS for their temerity, and hissed: “I fear we are reaching the limits of this process in this House.”
She seemed to be threatening an election. Well, that should be fun. Especially for the Tories. “Good evening, madam. I’m your local Conservative candidate.”
“Oh yeah? What’s your policy on Brexit?”
“Oh dear. I was rather hoping you could tell me ...”