Peers armed with toothbrushes make a stand against tyranny

Ilove watching the House of Lords. It’s a bit like a political version of I’m a Celebrity or Strictly Come Dancing. The nostalgic pleasure of reacquainting yourself with all these dimly familiar names from decades gone by.

“Look, dear! There’s Norman Fowler! Remember him?”

“Hmm. Name rings a bell. Was he Pauline’s son in Eastenders?”

“Ooh! Look, over there! I would swear that was David Owen.”

“David Owen. Is he that chap who used to present breakfast TV with Anne Diamond?”

Normally, the Lords is a gentle, equable sort of place, but yesterday its atmosphere of sleepy cordiality was disturbed by an outbreak of Brexit. By a margin of precisely one, MPS had passed a Bill to force Theresa May to request a further delay from the EU. Now peers were under pressure to rush the Bill through in a single sitting. To waste time, Brexiteers had tabled countless amendments to vote on. But Remainers were defiant. They were willing to sit all night if they had to.

“Breakfast is served at half past seven in the morning, and I’m taking orders now!” trumpeted Baroness Hayter of Kentish Town (Lab), just before midday.

“I’ve brought my toothbrush!” cried Lord Newby (Lib Dem).

By the tranquil standards of the Lords, exchanges were noisy and hostile.

Peers gibbered and jeered. The tone of debate occasionally bordered on the hysterical. A quivering Lord Forsyth of Drumlean (aka Michael Forsyth, the former Scotland Secretary) claimed that Remainers’ disregard for standing orders “will lead to tyranny”.

Lord Howard of Lympne (aka Michael Howard, the former Tory leader) shouted that Lord Newby had employed an argument “which tyrants have used down the ages!” Lord Lawson of Blaby (aka Nigel Lawson, the former Tory chancellor) accused Remainers of not believing that Britain “is capable of self-government”. (Judging by the past two years, they may have a point.)

Lord Cormack, a Tory Remainer, scowled. Listening to his colleagues’ speeches, he snapped, had given him “enormous sympathy with my honourable friend Nick Boles”. Mr Boles, MP for Grantham & Stamford, quit the Tory Party this week.

At one point, I wondered whether their Lordships might even come to blows.

“Why do we come here every day, my Lords?” began Lord True (Con). “Some people think – ”

Here he was interrupted by a heckle from Lord Foulkes of Cumnock (Lab).

“What did the noble Lord say?” barked Lord True. “Would he like to stand up and repeat what he said?”

“I was wondering why you come here every day, too,” honked Lord Foulkes.

One peer could take no more. “We are becoming the nasty House!” wailed Lord Empey (UUP).

“We’ve had continuous interruptions of speakers from a sedentary position, heckling, nasty comments … I appeal [to peers] not to proceed with this nastiness …”

Ah, Brexit. It could probably start a brawl in a convent.