WHAT YOUR GARDEN EXTRAVAGANCE SAYS ABOUT YOU

A £25,000 shepherd’s hut

If you’re a shepherd, it raises serious questions about your tax status, or at least suggests you and your flock have seen a lot of red skies at night lately. If you’re not a shepherd, it depends who’s using it. Young kids? It’s just a grossly expensive Wendy house. Teenagers? It’s just a grossly expensive private bus shelter. Middleaged man with memoirs to write? It’s just a grossly expensive alternative to having an affair. You have too much money.

An outdoor cinema screen and projector

You don’t mind if your neighbours hate you, do you? There’s something to be admired in that. For extra passiveaggression points, stick on Fifty Shades of Grey. Midmorning. On a Sunday.

A fire pit/brazier

You like the idea of being outdoors all night, but not enough to, you know, camp. You love the idea of settling down beside a bonfire and really connecting with your family in a primal way, but you also want to be able to connect to the Wi-fi. You’re willing to have your clothes smell of smoke for the rest of the month, but not ruin your lawn.

A Swingball set

You’re a hoarder. We don’t even need to look inside the house. You haven’t thrown anything away since 1996.

Chickens

You’re an optimist. You’re OK.

Giant Jenga/ Chess/connect Four Not everything is more fun when the parts are massive, and table games are a good example. No child wants to play games they associate with a rainy day when they’re in the garden – where they could play football, or with water pistols, or literally anything else – and these are not fun pursuits for drunk adults, either. You have a poor grasp on fun.