‘I ASKED HIM TO SLEEP IN THE SPARE ROOM’
AN ANONYMOUS WOMAN IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE WRITES
My husband and I went away for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. Over dinner one night, we were talking about Brexit and I jokingly said: “So, when are we going to start our negotiations? Shall we set a date? A date for when we’re going to discuss doing something about us?” He laughed and changed the subject.
You see, I have been happily married to my husband for six years, and for a little over two of those we have not had sex. In fact, for the past few months we have slept in separate rooms. Lying next to the man I loved and desperately wanted to have sex with, and being rebuffed night after night, was becoming too painful.
The last time we had sex was March 2017. Before then we’d had a great, varied sex life. I’d always initiated it a bit more than him (it’s a total myth that men always have a higher sex drive than women), but it was never a problem. The sex was good and regular enough, and I loved him dearly. I still do.
After three years, things began to drop off. Then, in the spring of 2017 he simply stopped wanting sex at all. He went to Glastonbury that year, so we didn’t see each other for a few days. When he came back I was sure we’d have sex, but our dry spell continued. I remember thinking: “Something’s not right here, this is getting serious now.”
I tried to broach it, but he found the whole thing too uncomfortable. “It’s not you,” he reassured me. “I don’t feel like I want to have sex with anyone.”
A year went by and my attempts to initiate sex dissipated. There are only so many times you can be rejected. The bedroom became such an awkward place that I asked him to sleep in the spare room. He was reluctant at first but there was so much anger, pain and confusion between us. And through it all, he couldn’t seem to find a way to communicate with me. He still won’t agree to have counselling and refuses to talk about it.
In the past year I have had sex with other men twice. I’m not proud of it, but I want a complete relationship with the man I love. I am not prepared to contemplate that my sex life ended at 44. And I don’t know how much longer this can go on.