How not to be a new parent Insta-cliché
From tiny feet to sunset kisses, Rosa Silverman advises Harry and Meghan what poses to avoid on social media
If you’d reserved a space in your tea towel drawer for a piece of Baby Sussex memorabilia, you would be disappointed. The birth of Prince Harry’s and Meghan Markle’s son will be a largely private affair, with no official commemorative plate, mug or dishcloth emblazoned in his honour. The aim of his parents is to give Master Archie Mountbatten-windsor as “normal” a start in life as possible – which, one imagines, means not very normal at all, what with his father being, you know, a prince, and his American mother a former actress. But who – apart from a multi-million-strong army of royal fans on both sides of the Atlantic, along with most media outlets – could blame them for wanting to protect their child’s privacy?
It’s clear that they mean it, too. Then again, the road to Instagram is paved with good intentions such as these. The reality is, some photographs just seem too perfect to conceal from the world. This might explain the appearance of the image of a female hand cradling a newborn baby’s feet on the Duke and Duchess’s official Instagram account on Sunday. Sure, sure, it was American Mothers’ Day, an event too momentous to go unmarked with a huge Insta-cliché. We get it.
But this is no slight against the Sussexes. If anything, it helps furnish Archie with the impossible normal childhood they crave for him, and is therefore in line with their goals: he will grow up sharing, in common with every modern child, the indignity of appearing in an overused social media trope. And what, today, could be more gloriously banal?
Besides, the Instagram cliché is such an easy trap to fall into as a parent, and was an accident waiting
to happen for the Sussexes. If they wish to avoid any more, here’s what not to do...
Interlinked fingers
Like the popular feet-in-hand image, the picture that shows nothing but your tiny baby’s finger(s) hooked into your own has the benefit of protecting their privacy, and thus letting you continue speaking loftily on such matters. The not-sohidden subtext: my world is now complete. And please admire the artfully modest way
I’ve captured this.
Sunset of dreams
This one is easy. All you need is an idyllic outdoor location and the perfect setting sun, captured just at the right time, before it gets
too dark and you have to spend the rest of the evening fiddling about with filters to sort it out. Once you’ve located both of the above, simply lift your baby skywards and behold them with spontaneous rapture. The spontaneity, remember, is key: “Oh, just look at what we happened to be doing – and where – when we commanded our other half to take that photo!”
Matching outfits
In a similar vein, how cute is it when you and your mini-me by chance end up dressed similarly? The point is you can then write “mini-me” in the caption and watch those likes come flooding in like no one’s ever done this before.
Toddler holding/kissing/doing something else adorable to baby sibling
What could be sweeter than a small child? An even smaller child, of course! And we all know the mathematical law that states very small children together are cuter than the sum of their parts. When you get to your mid-30s, you can hardly move on Instagram for toddlers with baby siblings placed precariously in their laps. Doesn’t matter if baby topples off the sofa the second the picture’s been taken. There’s another mathematical law that states 300 “likes” is worth 10 hours in A&E.
Doing something inappropriately grown up
Perhaps you happened to catch your child picking up an empty wine bottle you’d accidentally left on the table. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to photograph that and add a witty caption about their drinking habits? A lot of parents think that it would. Likewise, if their three-year-old has tried on some stilettos, or smeared lipstick on their face, or climbed into the driver’s seat.
Obligatory special occasion picture
Mothers’ Day is just the tip of the iceberg. Every birthday, first day of school, World Book Day, Fathers’ Day, and so on is fair game. Even if you don’t post, you can be sure that all your friends will. If you’re short on inspiration, just search the name of the occasion along with its requisite hashtag. This is no time to be original.