How to navigate toxic friendships
Friendship is vital – and it isn’t exclusive to humans. Ethologists Robert Seyfarth and Dorothy Cheney at the University of Pennsylvania describe the evolutionary origins of human friendship using their observations of other animals, including horses, dolphins and monkeys, and conclude friendship is adaptive across all species.
Those of us who are part of a strong friendship group are more likely to live longer, as Julianne Holt-lunstad at Brigham University discovered in her metaanalysis of 148 studies across the world. Laura Pittman and Adeya Richmond at Northern Illinois University found undergraduates who had more good friends were less likely to feel depressed or anxious during the transition from home to university. And those who have good workplace friendships perform better and report a more positive work attitude, according to Seok-hwi Song at the University of Seoul.
There are countless definitions of good friendship but, in my opinion, five qualities stand out.
The first is that the friendship nourishes both individuals. Each feels supported and cared for, and both look forward to spending time together.
Second, there is trust. Each knows they can count on the other to be honest but accepting, even when one or both change.
Commitment is the third quality. Both are prepared to put time and effort into the relationship, even when they’re physically far apart.
Fourth, balance. Although at any given moment one may ask more of the other, over time each individual gives and takes equally.
Fifth, the relationship is uplifting and rewarding, allowing both individuals to feel energised and positive.
The size of our social network appears to be fairly stable across age groups, gender, time and culture. According to Robin Dunbar at the University of Oxford, the number of individuals – about 150 – any of us can claim to recognise and feel familiar with is based on the amount of interpersonal information the human brain can process. Within the 150 are three layers – five or so intimate friends, about 15 very good friends and around 50 close friends.
However, not all friendships are beneficial. Some, known as “toxic friendships”, can actually damage wellbeing, causing low self-esteem, self-doubt, anxiety and fatigue. There may even be physical consequences – some researchers have found correlations between toxic friendships and systemic inflammation as well as higher rates of heart disease.
If you think one of your friendships is toxic, what should you do?
Write down which aspects cause distress. Ask yourself how you’d like things to change. Can you make any of those changes? If not, try talking to your friend.
If they’re willing to make changes, give the friendship a chance as long as you feel it’s safe to do so. If not, or if there are no changes within three to six weeks, it would be best to end the relationship and focus instead on other, healthier friendships.