All the seasonal status symbols you need to impress house guests
The things you need to really impress guests this Christmas
If you haven’t made your own mince pies, you might want to try to make it look as if you have
Tatler magazine has just published its list of society status symbols for Christmas. It’s quite impressive to civilian eyes. You need a deer or two on your lawn, a wreath that could set you back a couple of grand – it’s all hilarious, but they’ve got us thinking. It is Christmas soon, we will be having people over, and it’s time to brush up on status symbols for Normals. How do we show off if we want to, is the question? What do you need to do, or own or make to up your status for the festive season? We don’t care either, but it’s amusing.
A log burner. You would have thought that was more 2015, or even 2014, but no, we are still at peak log-burner. Also a fire pit is on the list, even at this time of year. Fires that allow sitting outdoors are quite posh.
Dishwashers. Yes, you read that correctly. Early in the year, it was ovens: there was the Tory minister James Brokenshire with the four-oven kitchen (they only use two, he said in his defence), but we’ve moved swiftly on from there. Now you want two dishwashers. One for plates, one for glasses. One near the sink, one in the utility room (making these locations up), and if you think that is steep, what you really want are dishwasher “drawers” like the Fogles have. Insanely expensive, sliding-out-atwaist-height dishwashers.
Gravity blankets and fancy bedwear in general.
Extra-long pillows. Some square pillows. A wool duvet. No one is going to see this stuff, but if you have the Must Impressies staying, then your thread count counts.
Rewilding something.
Don’t know how you do this in time, but a totally unloved garden/back yard has the potential to be described as a rewilding project. Just bear that in mind.
A very big Christmas tree. The Chatsworth one, for example, is 26ft or thereabouts. You may not have the ceiling height for this, but you are aiming for as big as you can fit, and, if you want to show off, 7ft minimum. (Note: on no account do as we have done in the past and get a tree that hits the ceiling and then bends, so the angel is at 45 degrees.)
Have a child present who is an activist, or a successful musician, ideally under 16.
Make a cinema room, eg, erect a pull-down cinema screen, in the kitchen, on which to watch films.
Be into cold water or wild swimming, and do it on the big day. For some reason, this is currently right up there on the high-status pursuits with heli-skiing.
Order a Kellybronze turkey. (This is on the Tatler list, btw, and may prove to be the only crossover between their list and ours.)
Home-made things to eat. If you haven’t made your own mince pies you might want to try to make it look as if you have. Rough them up and leave a rolling pin lying around.
Have some handmade kitchen knives made of forged unground steel and spalted wood (no idea), but very desirable not least because they suggest there is serious cooking going on (highstatus activity). Home-made-looking decorations. You’ll have to pay through the nose for your evergreen wreath and pussy willow heartshaped thing, but that’s what you must do, unless you’re going to attempt to put it together yourself, in which case, good. Allow two days. You will also need plenty of ivy and mistletoe and holly and Mr Boldwood’s Party-esque greenery in general. Status wise, Christmas 2019 is sparkle and flashing lights free. No poppers. No fake snow. No impossible to clear up micro-plastic glittery bits. You don’t want to look like Gary Barlow after the confetti cannon gaffe. Enjoy.