People’s Parliament giddy with success on its first day
It had the oxymoronic aura of a first day back at school, when the pupils know they are breaking up for Christmas on Friday. No one had really wanted a December election (except ousted Lib Dem leader Jo Swinson). But now, armed with a sackful of seats, Westminster’s resident Father Christmas and his merry band of Conservative elves were in festive mood as Parliament sat for the first time since Thursday’s Tory landslide.
Jeremy Corbyn could only look on with Scrooge-like envy as the Government benches filled up quicker than a midnight mass offering free mince pies and mulled wine.
There was barely any green leather to be seen as the Conservatives’
‘This people’s Parliament – is going to do something. What is this Parliament going to do?’ to a chorus of ‘Get Brexit done’
Perhaps it was understandable that he had the air of an excited toddler, eager to dive into his stocking full of presents
365-strong cohort – an MP for every day of the year, no less – squeezed into their side of the chamber, the 109 newcomers conspicuous by their green and white striped shiny new lanyards. A Commons official earlier commented that “some of them look young enough to be staffers”.
Such was the enthusiasm among the newbies that a few had bagged their places with prayer cards hours before the House sat at 2.30pm, leaving old-timers like Sir Desmond Swayne turfed out of his habitual stall. He was later spotted attempting to vault over the ancient wooden pew in a bid to beat the crowds on his way out. They were even jostling for space on the front bench, yet more justification for Dominic Cummings’s post-brexit Cabinet cull.
Naturally, huge cheers rang out from the right when Boris Johnson entered the chamber. Seven weeks ago there would have been an attempt to drown them out with boos, but with the left benches looking more depleted than Sainsbury’s on Christmas Eve, and a dejected-looking Mr Corbyn presiding with the enthusiasm of a bad Santa, the Opposition did not have the stomach for political pantomime. Indeed, when the Labour leader was called to speak, his comrades barely mustered a “hear hear”.
Luckily, the Prime Minister was in the mood for audience participation as he asked: “This people’s Parliament – is going to do something. What is this Parliament going to do?” to a chorus of “Get Brexit done”. “Even your parrot would be able to recite that one by now,” joked Mr Johnson in reference to one of newly reelected Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle’s many pets, a feathered friend named Boris. For this was not just the Tories’ victory lap but the MP for Chorley’s second coming as John Bercow’s successor. Having first been elected two days before Parliament was dissolved on Nov 5, he joked that he hoped he would be serving for a little longer this time. Under such circumstances, it was probably not necessary for Lisa Nandy to make a five-minute speech paying tribute to the Lancastrian’s ironic penchant for Yorkshire Tea and Hobnobs, but the Labour MP for Wigan is thought to be running for her party’s leadership. Had Hoyle unwittingly given his constituency neighbour a leg up?
Once Nandy’s shameless, if generous, pitch was over and Mr Johnson had tried not to gloat too much as he described the new Parliament as “the best that this country has ever produced”, with more female and black and ethnic minority members than ever before, it was time for Magic Grandpa to face the music.
Through gritted teeth, the MP for Islington North offered his “congratulations to the Prime Minister on winning the election and being returned to office” before finally paying tribute to “those members, from my party particularly, who sadly lost their seats in the election”.
Bolsover’s Dennis Skinner, ousted after 49 years, was given a nod. Mother of the House Harriet Harman was quick to take his spot on the Opposition benches.
Mr Corbyn’s tone became slightly menacing as he warned that the Prime Minister would be judged on whether he kept his promises.
Unable to resist a dig, he earned a groan for pointing out that: “Twenty of the 26 newly elected Labour MPS are women, which compares rather favourably to the Conservative Party’s performance in that regard.”
But the biggest turkey of the afternoon came from Sir Ed Davey when he insisted that proportional representation would have returned 70 Lib Dem MPS.
“Oh God!” responded one cheeky rival, seemingly reminded of the Christmas guest who tries to start a game of charades before the first glass
of eggnog has even been poured. The biggest laugh went to Sir Peter Bottomley, the newly-appointed Father of the House, replacing Kenneth Clarke with 44-and-a-half years of service, when he told Mr Corbyn: “None of us is always right and none of us is always wrong; and on the issues where he and I have agreed, I think we have been right.”
With the Speaker being re-elected and hundreds of MPS needing to be sworn in, the afternoon was not without its ceremonial moments – such is Parliament’s need to follow arcane procedures involving Black Rods, maces and such like.
At one point the Prime Minister, seemingly a man in a hurry, made a show of checking his watch.
Having been gifted the largest and most diverse Tory majority in more than three decades, perhaps it was understandable that he had the air of an excited toddler, eager to dive into his stocking full of presents.