‘I put my happiness before being a daughter’
As Thomas Markle appears on British television to discuss his deteriorating relationship with Meghan, Robyn Wilder reveals the pain of being estranged from a parent
Iwouldn’t blame Meghan Markle if she watched the Channel 5 documentary – Thomas Markle:
My Story – last night with her heart in her mouth. I wouldn’t have wanted to watch it, in her position, but I’m not sure I’d have been able to stop myself. And I am sort of in her position – we’re both brown-skinned women who married into all-white English families; women who were criticised for having babies in later life. That we’re both estranged from immediate family members, however – Meghan from her father, me from my mother – is something I mention far less frequently.
Sometimes, when people learn this about me – particularly if they find out that my mother is my only living parent, and only relative in the UK – they implore me to make parental amends, gesturing towards my two small sons. “Do it for them,” they’ll say, with sad faces. “Don’t they deserve to know their granny? Don’t punish your children for a silly little family tiff. After all, you’ve only got one mum.”
The people who say this are why I often lie, and say both my parents are dead. The truth is my kids don’t “know their granny” because she didn’t get to know them. She missed my first pregnancy, even when my unborn son was given a one-in-18 chance of dying in utero. She did not make contact when he was born, whole and well. Cards, bunches of flowers and framed photos I’ve sent her have never elicited a response.
These “you only have one mum” people don’t see that this “tiff ” has involved 44 years of me fruitlessly attempting to maintain a positive relationship with my mother. The money I poured into supplying her with cleaners and other “help”; the massive debt I’m in now as a result.
They’re also wrong – in my case, I have two mums: the one who raised me, and the person she became later. My mother bore me and loved me, whisked me off for rainy-day adventures on the sea shore; read to me from her dusty old poetry books, and – ever since I can remember – claimed my left cheek as “Mummy’s cheek”.
I will never know why things have turned out this way. My mother is now terminally ill in a home, far away. I have not visited since my last pregnancy. It was one of the hardest decisions to make, but I chose to step away, removing myself from her affairs as her next of kin, because I simply can’t take it – especially not if I’m to be any sort of parent to my own children.
And what people often don’t get about the decision to estrange oneself from problematic family members is actually a positive action, not a negative one, to protect one’s family or one’s own wellbeing.
“When one part of a system is broken, the whole system stops working effectively,” explains Stefan Walters, a systemic psychotherapist.
“A single estrangement has ripple effects throughout a family. Often other members will feel forced into taking sides; as allies to one side, and enemies towards the other. Every family event and significant occasion can then become a tense affair, where all of these unspoken allegiances or differences are simmering under the surface, just waiting to explode.”
Perhaps in some sense, I should count myself lucky that I do not have an extended family to deal with: no aunties or cousins being forced to take sides, no rows at birthday parties or weddings over why I can’t just accept her behaviour “for the sake of the family”. But that still doesn’t erase the overwhelmingly sad influence she has had on my life.
One thing I learn as I look back
‘The comments I get are why I often lie and say both my parents are dead’
over my relationship with my absent mother is that, even during the times I remember as happy and “normal”, she was only ever partly there. She was aloof sometimes, even with her children, to the point where I entered adulthood seeking out inconsistent people who thought themselves slightly elevated from me. My mother taught me, through her behaviour, that love was earned through performative worship.
It’s been a hard lesson to unlearn, and it’s one I’m determined not to teach my own children.
The sad truth is that the best gift my mother can give us is being away from our family entirely. My husband’s family, meanwhile, has only ever shown me that the reverse can be possible, too. They all live within 20 minutes of each other and we moved into the same town when we decided to start a family. They’ve been nothing but supportive; my father-in-law gave me away at my wedding. Often, the
‘My mother taught me, through her behaviour, that love was earned’
estranged party won’t know why the problematic party is acting this way.
Thanks to my mother, I used to think it was completely normal to have to interpret another person’s feelings from context clues, and try to please them, rather than having open, honest discussions.
“Get them out into the open as quickly as possible,” Walters advises of tensions causing problems between loved ones. “The central parties should try to meet and to discuss the main issues that seem to be causing the divide. They should aim to resolve these issues between themselves as amicably as possible, without drawing other family members into the psychodrama or impacting the wider system.”
Meghan Markle has not only had to deal with her father speaking publicly on issues she appears to have wanted to keep private, but half-siblings’ involvement in the tension, too. Since her relationship with Prince Harry began, the extended Markle family has descended upon British reality shows and made their feelings known in the tabloids; it is no wonder that the wound between them is yet to heal. In last night’s documentary,
Thomas Markle described the fact he learnt of his daughter’s pregnancy via the radio, rather than in person, as “almost a joke”, adding that “the last time they might see me is being lowered into the ground.
“I don’t think at this point they are thrilled to see me or want to talk to me,” he said.
The last time I visited my mother, her nurse commented to me: “I think it’s disgusting the way you don’t let your poor mother see her lovely grandchildren when she’s always asking to, and you banned her from your house all these years. I don’t know how you sleep at night.”
To her, like so many who share their unfettered opinions on estrangement when they know nothing about it, I simply said nothing. Walters advises therapy for relatives who are struggling to contend with one another as “the therapist can act as mediator and ensure that all parties feel heard and acknowledged. All parties can explore the feelings that have been activated by the family issue. Everyone’s perspective is considered as they work to negotiate a mutually agreeable resolution.”
But for my mother and I, like so many others, that would have been too little too late. I am lucky, at least, that I can find solace in one thought: in losing a mother, I’ve gained a family.
‘For my mother and I, therapy would have been too little too late’