Eyes down... it’s time for Six Nations bingo!
1 A scorching try and a blooming daffodil Johnny Mcnicholl scorches the grass as he flies up the wing to score a superb solo try for Wales, inspiring much chin-stroking on what not being habitually slow starters means for the evolution from “Warrenball” to “Wayneball” and TV cut-aways to gurning fans dressed as daffodils in the crowd. 2 Shaun Edwards and Les Cliches Profiles of new French coaching team pick out Shaun Edwards holding the tackle bags and encouraging players to hit them as hard as they would an Englishman ordering a well-done steak before tomorrow’s
Le Crunch. They end with BBC panel nodding in conclusion: “We can talk all we like, but it depends on which France show up.” 3 The Calcutta Cup turning political Watch agog as couples called Mungo and Fiona, Fraser and Kirstie are toppled in the stampede caused by a race between the Princess Royal and Nicola Sturgeon, the First Minister, to reach the home dressing room and sup champagne from the Calcutta Cup should Scotland win.
4 Two teams hitting the roof in Cardiff
Strive in vain to find team news for Wales versus France in the week building up to the match as cogent analysis is smothered by the annual “simmering Principality Stadium roof row”. Wales maintain that it should be their call to close it, France say they do not care either way, but insist on it staying open just to wind up the locals.
5 An Italian sob and lots of hand-wringing
Sergio Parisse makes a cameo farewell appearance from the bench as Italy are thrashed again in Rome, just in time to enjoy another hand-wringing, circular debate about the urgency of promotion and relegation being introduced and shut down by queasiness about trips to Tbilisi.
6 Sir Clive and a whole new set of acronyms
Sir Clive Woodward, bored by being contractually obliged to say KISS (keep it simple, Stupid) and T-CUP (thinking clearly under pressure) in every ITV broadcast, mints fresh acronym, SIUYJ, (stick it up your jumper), which initially bamboozles Mark Pougatch before the penny drops.
7 A familiar question (and the same old answer)
“Is this the year Scotland kick on and fulfil their potential, when they marry consistency to talent, raise their game against countries not in white and return to hard-rucking, running, winning rugby?” asks
Jill Douglas, begging the answer: “No”.
8 Official outrage (though nobody knows why)
Southern-hemisphere referee awards string of scrum penalties for seemingly inexplicable reasons, provoking co-commentator “harrumph” of such ear-splitting volume that Andrew Cotter pines for the relative tranquillity of the 100 metres final at the Olympic Games.
9 The royal ghost at the feast
The Duke of Cambridge, who has forsaken white for red as a dynastic duty, is presented to the teams before England’s match against Wales at Twickenham. “We’re eight hours ahead of Vancouver,” says the commentator, “but I can think of one interested party who wouldn’t normally miss this for the world sitting on his couch to watch this with us.”
10 Eddie being Eddie
Eddie Jones starts a row with the opposition in the week before the match with pointed remarks about the referee’s obligations for the forthcoming fixture. The impact will split the audience into two camps, those who think it is “Eddie just being Eddie” and those wanting to throttle him.
11 Fronting up – whatever that means
Repeated use of the unorthodox verb “front up” as the ultimate collective and individual quality required to win “what is now a 23-man game”. Any success in a tight game will be credited to “fronting up to the opposition” but conversely any defeat will be attributed to a failure to “front up”.
12 A last hurrah for Nigel
Ireland and England celebrate the winked hint that this might be the final
Six Nations for Nigel Owens as an international referee with the gusto commonly reserved for winning the Grand Slam itself.