It’s the Coronation Street approach to punishing licence dodgers

The row over the BBC licence fee had reached the Commons and the Opposition was up in arms. Tracy Brabin (Lab, Batley & Spen) demanded answers. “I’d like to ask the Secretary of State for Culture if she will make a statement on the Government’s plans,” she said.

The answer, unfortunately, was no. The Secretary of State would not make a statement on the Government’s plans – for the simple reason that she isn’t an MP any more. Having entered the House of Lords, Baroness Morgan (formerly known as Nicky Morgan) no longer has to face the Commons, or indeed the voting public.

This means she’s free to give speeches telling the BBC to become more “accountable”, while becoming less accountable herself.

In her absence, yesterday’s questions about the licence fee were fielded by a junior minister, Nigel Adams. The MP for Selby & Ainsty may not be well known outside the Commons, but inside it he cuts a distinctive figure. Not least because he looks, to an absolutely uncanny degree, like the love child of Nigel Farage and Arron Banks.

Patiently, he listened to Ms Brabin’s protests. According to her, there was no need to consider decriminalising non-payment of the licence fee. “The prisons aren’t overflowing with people locked up for non-payment and the courts are not overwhelmed with non-payers,” she insisted. “Last year, only five people were imprisoned.”

Mr Adams seemed surprised that Ms Brabin, of all people, should take this view. After all, he said, she had “some experience” in the matter. In her previous career as a Coronation Street actress, Mr Adams explained, Ms Brabin had played a character who got jailed for not paying the licence fee. “I don’t think,” said Mr Adams, “that was fair and proportionate.”

Well, I don’t know about you, but personally I agree in the strongest terms. No fictional character should ever have to suffer in this way.

Furthermore, sentencing fictional characters for non-payment of the licence fee is a waste of fictional magistrates’ time, and puts pressure on our already overcrowded fictional prisons. We can only hope that the Government takes steps to ensure that non-existent people never have to endure the same imaginary fate again.

Many Tory backbenchers loved the sound of decriminalisation. Some wanted to scrap the fee altogether.

“An anachronistic privilege,” sniffed Sir Christopher Chope (Con, Christchurch). Jim Shannon (DUP, Strangford) agreed. The BBC needs “to stand on its own two feet”, he said. Worrying signs for any BBC executives who may have been watching.

Thankfully, Philip Davies (Con, Shipley) was on hand to offer some words of encouragement. He said: “If the BBC is as popular as [Ms Brabin] says, then surely it has nothing to fear from going to a subscription model.

“Presumably, everyone would be queuing up to pay, because it’s such wonderful value for money.”

I’m sure the BBC will be grateful for his support.