Visiting school pupils doubtless in awe of Commons’ ‘dur-brain’ antics

Members of Parliament and small children have two things in common. The first is the noise they make. And the second is their heavy reliance on a particular rhetorical device. Let’s call it IKYABWAI. Or, in full: “I Know You

Are, But What Am I?” We probably all remember it from the playground. Child A calls Child B a name. Child B, unable to think of an original comeback of his own, simply throws the exact same insult back at Child A. You smell. No, you smell. No – YOU smell. And so on, until the bell rings to mark the end of playtime.

After the age of about eight, you tend not to encounter this particular debating technique again. Unless, that is, you work in the House of Commons, in which case you hear it almost every day. A textbook example was heard yesterday morning, during the monthly round of Justice Questions.

Labour’s Richard Burgon was facing Robert Buckland, the Justice Secretary, across the Dispatch Box. The Tories, scowled Mr Burgon, were “free-market fundamentalists… ideologically wedded to the free market”. Mr Buckland shot up.

“The only fundamentalist I see is sitting on the benches dead ahead,” he retorted, to delighted whoops and guffaws from his party colleagues. “We are not ideological – the honourable gentleman is!” Unabashed, Mr Burgon repeated his claim. Equally unabashed, Mr Buckland repeated his denial. Given the opportunity, the two men would probably be repeating them still. He’s a fundamentalist. No, he’s a fundamentalist. No, HE is. NO – HE is. As I say, we hear this type of exchange in the Commons all the time. The only real difference with a playground squabble is that in the Commons the language is more formal. I’ve never heard MPS actually shouting “You smell” at each other, but it’s easy enough to imagine how they would go about it. “Mr Speaker, could the Secretary of State take this opportunity to confirm or deny reports from the weekend that he is a big old smelly stinker?”

“I would gently suggest to the honourable gentleman, Mr Speaker, that the source of any unpleasant odour may be located somewhat closer to home. After all, was it not Disraeli who observed the immutable truth that he who smelt it, dealt it?”

“I’m afraid there’s only one answer to that, Mr Speaker: chinny reckon.

“Now, as the House will be aware, it is a long-standing matter of public record that the Secretary of State is a dur-brain, a divvy, and, furthermore, a great big girl’s blouse. My question to him, therefore, is this: loser says what?”

“Mr Speaker, the honourable gentleman would do well to remember the immortal words of Sir Robert Peel. ‘Yah, boo – and sucks to you’.”

Parties of schoolchildren can often be seen watching parliamentary exchanges from the public gallery.

No doubt they learn a lot from the experience.