MODERN LIFE
2020 parenting types They come in all shapes and sizes, from paranoid to pushy – but which one are you?
You’re probably familiar with the term “helicopter” parents – those who metaphorically hover around their children waiting to scoop them up at the first sign of trouble. Then there’s the less familiar “snowplough” parents, who attempt to clear all obstacles in their children’s paths, sort of like helicopter parents, only more proactive.
When we were growing up, the only parenting types were strict and not strict, but in 2020 there are as many styles of parenting as there are crisp flavours in Tesco, so it’s probably a good idea to know which you most resemble, in case it comes up. Here are some of the types, not in order of merit.
Camper-van parents
Their priority is not being seen to be hypocritical, uncool parents because they want their children to be around them, and they want to be doing what the children are doing. There is pretty much nothing that can’t take place under their family roof (on the basis that as long as they do it at home, it is safe – that’s their mantra). The children of camper-van parents will have a lot of mates “staying over” in their own beds.
How to spot: Many teenagers around the kitchen table all the time.
Lawnmower parents
Dad mows the lawn, refs the mini rugby and has an opinion on having boyfriends to stay overnight, etc. Mum is superreliable, a good listener and technology limiter, and will never get sloppy after a white wine binge and tell everyone about the time she got off with one of Blue.
How to spot: They are
watching Sex Education, separately from the kids, to check it’s appropriate.
Four-wheel-drive parents
We’re familiar with these and their reputation for mounting pavements and abusing lollipop ladies as they deliver little Felix and Aster
right to the door of the school, where they serve peashoot guacamole at break and keep the class tortoise in a Chanel box. This is fortress parenting. The deal is, the world outside your triple-reinforced front door is hostile and dirty and staying in the bubble is the only safe option.
How to spot: The kids call the nanny “staff ”.
Tank parents
One on from the FWD, tanks will actively interfere in the natural order of things (aka Felicity Huffman-ing) and don’t think twice about breaking the law or treading on the bodies of other children to get theirs to where they think they should be.
How to spot: They hire supertutors after school and gifted sixth-form athletes to play tennis with their children.
Fire-engine parents
These are liberal and laid-back until there is a crisis (their children are caught bullying/ with ketamine/they fail an exam), at which point they go full Tank and park themselves on the lawn of whatever establishment has let their offspring down and dig in for a siege. Which they usually win.
How to spot: Often in the head’s office wearing dark glasses.
Sports-car parents
So called because there’s really only room for two. The deal is the children, however young, must fit in with the long gourmet lunches, shopping trips and frequent romantic mini-breaks to spa hotels. Children of these parents dream of Center Parcs and Nando’s, and they can dream on. Maybe the au pair will take them one day.
How to spot: At Soho
Farmhouse.
Supermarket-trolley parents
Happy to admit that half the contents of their weekly shopping trolley have been planted there by one of the twins. Their style of parenting is fairly hands-off, sometimes hung-over, and more head down and soldier on than wall charts of after-school activities.
How to spot: Poolside at an after-school swimming club, texting.
Scruffy-car parents
Scruffy-car parents do their bit, but also take the view that as long as the dogs get fed and walked, everything will work out. This has bred just the right amount of selfsufficiency in their children, who find other parents neurotic and suffocating.
How to spot: Glued to Love Island.
Children of these parents dream of Center Parcs and Nando’s, and they can dream on