Intimate self-care
The solution to your midlife sex slump is in your hands
Supplements galore exist to ease women through menopause. But until now, there have been remarkably few easy ways to improve the flagging libidos and intimate discomfort that are common symptoms of that time. However, a sea change for women is under way as Boots has just revealed its first ever sexual wellness shelf, stocked with a new range called My Viv from Ann Summers.
The arrival of intimate care products on the high street shouldn’t be surprising; according to fashion industry insiders at businessoffashion.com, the sexual wellness market is worth $32 billion (£24 billion).
The My Viv range – which includes vibrators (vibes), lubricants (lubes), scented candles and bath salts – is aimed squarely at women in midlife who are fed up with their love lives buckling under the menopause, ageing and the strain of sandwich generation life, caring for children and elderly parents simultaneously.
These women may also have health concerns. Jacqueline Gold, CEO of Ann Summers, designed the range after her own experience of breast cancer in 2017.
It gave her insight, she says, into how breast cancer and other illnesses, including gynaecological cancers and conditions like vaginismus (involuntary muscular contractions around the vulva – the opening of the vagina, which makes sex painful or impossible) and vulvodynia (chronic pain or discomfort around the vulva, which lasts at least three months), can impact a person’s body, wellbeing and sex life.
“Having experienced breast cancer,” says Gold, “I know all too well how it can affect your confidence. I want My Viv to encourage all women to feel in control of their bodies.
Sex shouldn’t be a taboo subject – it is normal, natural and fun and it is also important for our overall emotional and physical wellbeing, helping to beat stress, boost sleep, lower blood pressure, improve immunity, not to mention helping strengthen relationships. Many GPS and gynaecologists recommend sex toys to help with a wide range of problems.”
Yet the greatest barrier to dealing with the loss of sexual interest is embarrassment, says Rachel Rawson, a nurse specialist in women’s health perspective for Ann Summers. “We don’t talk about women having problems with sexuality and intimacy,” says Rawson. “There is a big taboo. But we are an ageing population, so our sex lives are potentially able to go on for longer. We have to deal with it.” According to the British Society for Sexual Medicine, most of us just won’t broach our concerns: fewer than 30 per cent of women discuss sexual dysfunction with their GP, it warns, and only a third of these will accept treatment. But we have to try, says psychologist Dr Becky Spelman, clinical director of the Private Therapy Clinic.
“About 80 per cent of women have some troublesome symptoms,” she says. “For many of those women, the symptoms are minor, and they can take them in their stride, but for others they can be extremely debilitating, and can include issues as diverse as problems with memory, a reduced libido, vaginal atrophy or dryness, and more. All of this has an impact on sexual wellness.”
Some of the issues may even be due to one’s partner: “Middle age is when many men start to have problems with self-esteem, with feeling undesirable, and with sexual function and erectile issues. For a woman who has her own problems, having a partner who is also struggling can make everything more difficult.” For Meg Mathews, 54, who runs the hugely popular blog megsmenopause.com, a dip in libido came with the arrival of the menopause six years ago. “My symptoms were so bad,” Mathews recalls,
“I didn’t leave the house for three months. I couldn’t sleep, I had anxiety, aching joints and nausea. Then there were night sweats and brain fog. I had no idea what was happening, but I felt awful.” Worst of all was the lack of intimacy and sex drive.
For Mathews, salvation came in the form of hormone replacement therapy, which reduced her menopause symptoms, but she is a passionate advocate of sex aids, too. “I tell all the women I speak to, buy a bullet”
– a discreet-sized vibrator – “and lubricants, too. No one wants to talk about masturbation, but it’s good for you.”
Rawson confirms this two-pronged approach. “Start with your GP, as you may need HRT or to be referred to a gynaecologist to rule out diseases like cancer.”
She then suggests that women focus on how their body responds by exploring sex aids. “It’s perfectly normal to use a vibrator,” she says. “It allows you to know your body, and it’s pleasurable with or without a partner.”
Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox, who has designed a new Supersex range of pleasure products for Lovehoney, says: “The quickest, most effective way for women to orgasm is through using a vibrator. External vibrators – that you use on the clitoris rather than insert – are great for older women, especially if penetration is uncomfortable.
“If you’re single and not having regular sex, using a vibrator to have
Many women do not realise the vagina shrinks with age and can tear
regular orgasms will keep your pelvic muscles toned, so sex is comfortable when you do have it.”
These types of purchase don’t have to be expensive. Meg’s own brand of Megsmenopause intimate care has just been launched including items like Motion Lotion, a water-based lube costing £9.99. You can pick up a My Viv Pebble Personal Massager for £10, although at the other end of the market luxury brand Lelo offers the 24-carat gold-plated Inez for £10,000.
If you’re in a relationship,
Cox points out, sex toys are “indispensable” if you’re going through a no- or low-sex stage. “They maintain the sexual stimulation that increases blood flow to help counter dryness and decreased elasticity,” she says.
If you suffer vaginal dryness – a common postmenopausal issue as internal tissues suffer from lack of oestrogen – Rawson recommends vaginal moisturisers to make the area soft and supple. Lubes are ideal for an instant fix when you have sex, but moisturisers can be used on a daily basis.
Avoid intimate washes, perfumed soaps or douches, she says: “We do not need them. They may change the natural PH balance and that can lead to infection. Water alone will help to keep the vaginal area in as good condition as possible.”
Mathews adds that women may not realise that as the vagina shrinks with age and can tear easily, a smaller size of vibrator may be preferable.
While we’re in the area, Johanna Rief, head of sexual empowerment at Wow Tech, which makes the Wevibe and Womanizer range, suggests all women should think about strengthening their pelvic floor – which weakens naturally through age as well as pregnancy – through the use of Kegel balls. “This will help prevent bladder weakness, too,” she says.
Dr Spelman says: “For issues relating to sexual function and desirability, the answer is not to stop having sex but to think about sex in a new way, and to be open to experimentation. A slower, more tactile, more affectionate approach to sex is likely to yield positive results, so long as nobody feels coerced or pressured into sexual activity that they do not want.”
Cox agrees: “Sexual technique needs to change as women age. If penetration is uncomfortable, sex needs to move into more ‘foreplay’ focused sex. This is usually good news for women, most of whom have their orgasms through oral sex and clitoral stimulation. You can have great sex in midlife but it’s different. Sex that isn’t based around intercourse.”
The good news, says Dr Spelman, is that more good sex actually helps with most of these issues. “When it comes to the health of our sexual organs, keeping them active can mitigate against sexual issues associated with ageing.”