Are we one of the most romantically restless nations on earth?
Singles are the fastestgrowing group in Britain, says Zoe Strimpel – but are too many options a burden?
As I stood under a bus shelter waiting for the number 16 last week, rain pelting the Plexiglas, I thought I’d pass the time with a cheeky swipe on Bumble, the dating app, just to see what was out there. It was the usual motley crew: men in gym selfies, stern unsmiling snaps, and plenty of shots of Jacks and Jims smiling up from a dinner plate. But the name of the game is to swipe some more. The diamonds, as all internet daters know, lurk in the rough.
Managing our love lives via our thumbs from the bus, the sofa or the loo feels very now. Never before have those seeking love or simply sex had so many options nor so little obligation to those they hook up with. The UK is one of the most romantically restless, untethered nations on earth. As we swipe through life, those shunning (or unable to secure) marriage or cohabitation are the fastest-growing group. According to Office for National Statistics figures, the number of people living alone in the UK has increased by a fifth over the past 20 years – to 8.2million in 2019, that’s almost 15 per cent of the adult population. It’s no coincidence that 7million of us are registered to an app.
In my new book Seeking Love in Modern Britain I trace how this came to be. I found that the foundations for Tinder, Bumble and our appetite for television dating shows such as Love Island were laid in the Seventies. The availability of the pill and abortion for single women; the liberalisation of divorce law and the new lingo of feminism made the decade the start of an era of sexual opportunity for the unmarried. Singleness became its own proper identity, separate from sad spinsterhood and eccentric bachelorhood.
The result? The British dating industry rocketed: the rising number of singles could pick from a large menu of computer dating firms, lonely hearts ads, and introduction agencies.
When Adrian, a diamond merchant in his 30s, placed a personal advert in Time Out in 1985, he was among many thousands who found themselves single and drawn to matchmaking services offered by publications such as Singles and The Telegraph.
When he was interviewed a few years later by lonely hearts investigator John Cockburn, he recalled that the date was “successful and pleasant [but] I wasn’t that keen ... her emphasis on travel was alien to me and we didn’t really gel”.
Adrian was not only a new man of his time, but a sign of what (and who) was to come in the internet age: happy to dismiss someone based on a lifestyle preference and in pursuit of that perfect immediate spiritual-chemical
Men who would have previously looked for marriage now desire multiple girlfriends
“gel”. If you’ve ever watched Love Island, as I have (slavishly), you’ll know that looking for love these days still isn’t just about personality and looks – it’s about lifestyle and consumption. Especially healthy eating and the gym. If a couple can’t work out together, and make avocado on toast together afterwards, they’ve got no hope.
Formerly about hasty commitment to the best of a limited bunch, in the Seventies courtship was redesigned around choice. Fast-forward to today and an increasing number of us are still in a permanent state of rubbernecking at the other options, wondering if perhaps it is possible to have one’s cake and eat it too. Janet Hardy, author of the polyamory bible The Ethical Slut, first published in 1997, has observed: “In the old days it was mostly Renaissance Fair geeks and old hippies and other people who were on the fringes, and these days it’s everybody.”
You have only to look at the dating apps to see that this is so. Men who would in previous eras have looked for marriage are now open about their desire for multiple girlfriends. Take Craig, 42, informing those women who dare to dawdle on his Hinge profile that he is a: “Nonmonogamous Dom. Old Luddite; I don’t Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. I will meet in person and buy you a drink. Furthermore, single dad, career, travel, etc. I have a complex schedule and place a high value on my free time.” What a romantic!
Could singles like Craig be why so many of us are slightly jaded now? I ask, because if you pay attention to Love is Blind, the Netflix phenomenon that saw six couples get engaged without clapping eyes on each other, you’ll see an interesting progression. Explaining their decision to take part, many said that romance had become too superficial – choice had become a burden. And there was too much emphasis on looks. The endless quest for something perfect just around the corner is tiring. Could this decade be when we’ll see the next sea change?
Seeking Love in Modern Britain by Zoe Strimpel (RRP £19.99). Buy now for £16.99 at books.telegraph.co.uk or call 0844 871 1514