I’m going for the full Dumbledore
The longer the lockdown lasts, the better my chances of growing a beard
Like many, I’m treating the lockdown as an opportunity for self‑improvement. Some people are learning a language. Others an instrument. Others still are writing novels.
I’m growing a beard. Of course, the success of this project will ultimately depend on the lockdown’s length. If it’s six weeks, my target is “non‑ginger Henry VIII”. If it’s six months, I’m aiming for “Victorian cricketer”. If it’s a year, I should be able to pull off “desert island castaway who croaks the word ‘It’s…’ before the opening credits of Monty Python’s Flying Circus”. And if it’s 18 months, I’m hoping to achieve the full Dumbledore.
So far, I’m still at the “fat Russell Brand” stage, but if all goes to plan I expect to reach “slightly effeminate Captain Haddock” by St George’s Day, pass “Fidel Castro” in time for Whitsun, and hit “Brian Blessed” round about the August Bank Holiday.
Wish me luck.
The mainstream media have tried desperately to hush it up. But today I can reveal the shocking truth about what 5G masts are really doing to us.
They’re making us believe extremely silly conspiracy theories.
Naturally, the globalist elites will deny it. But it’s true. 5G masts emit invisible radio waves that cause previously sensible human beings to swallow baseless, unscientific drivel they’ve read on Facebook. It’s all part of a plot by agents of the Deep State, who are using the masts’ brain‑weakening powers to transform Facebook users into credulous imbeciles, destroying their critical faculties and leaving them incapable of rational thought.
Alarmingly, though, the cover‑up doesn’t end there. According to Government files that are so top‑secret they don’t even exist, coronavirus is actually caused by lavatory paper.
So whatever you do, don’t buy any more loo rolls. Particularly if you shop at my local supermarket. I believe the loo rolls there are likely to be especially dangerous. Just leave all the loo rolls there for me to buy, so I can carry out important research on them.
Top tip for comfort reading: One Two Three Four, Craig Brown’s marvellous new book about The Beatles. It’s full of wonderfully odd trivia. For example: the young Cilla Black used to style Ringo Starr’s mother’s hair, in return for Spam and chips. During a gig in Hamburg, John Lennon took to the stage naked but for his underpants and a lavatory seat round his neck while chanting “Sieg Heil!” At their first US gig, the fans screamed so loudly that a cop resorted to blocking his ears with bullets.
But my favourite fact is this. After the band left the stage at each of their British gigs, a recording of God Save the Queen would be played. This allowed them to make a quick getaway, while their fans – who would otherwise have mobbed them – were all standing obediently to attention.
5G masts emit waves that cause once sensible folk to swallow unscientific drivel