LETTERS FROM LOCKDOWN

Ways to prolong your shelf life

It’s time to curate your bookcase... you never know who might be watching

Wash your hands. Stay at home. Observe social distancing. All very important. But there’s one other piece of guidance every citizen should follow: sort out your bookshelves.

After all, you never know when a TV news channel might come calling. And when one does, it is imperative to place yourself directly in front of a shelf displaying the most intellectually weighty books you own. Most politicians – and absolutely all journalists – have been taking this vital step before appearing on television during the lockdown. And we can all learn from their example.

First: clear your shelves of any romantic fiction, comic fiction, or indeed any other type of fiction published within the past 100 years. Remember: only lightweights read for pleasure. You are a serious figure, and it is therefore crucial to show the viewing public that your shelves

– or at least, the ones the viewing public is able to discern behind your head – are stocked exclusively with political biographies, history books and essay collections.

If you possess only a single shelf ’s worth of such books, fear not. Simply press yourself right up against the shelf in question, and hold your laptop as close to your face as possible, so that all other shelves are out of shot.

So far during this crisis, the most impressive shelves I’ve seen belonged to Jacob Rees-mogg. Every single book in shot was bound in leather.

I wonder how many of them he’s read. Or perhaps, like Dennis the Menace, his

It’s behind you: if you’re on TV, ensure your books are serious books are simply for stuffing down the back of his trousers, just before Nanny disciplines him.

When you’re absolutely sure you aren’t live on the BBC News channel, you may safely return to the type of books you actually enjoy. The past couple of weeks I’ve been reading a lot of Agatha Christie. She’s perfect for lockdown.

First, because her books are essentially puzzles, brainteasers, and therefore comfortingly distracting: the literary equivalent of a sudoku. And second, because they’re devoid of real jeopardy. They aren’t like modern thrillers: dark, gory, disturbing. At no point do you fear for Poirot or Marple. From the start you know with total certainty that order will be smoothly

I’ve been reading a lot of Agatha Christie. She’s perfect for a pandemic

restored, without our hero suffering so much as a scratch.

The message from the author is always the same: “Don’t worry. In the end, things will return to normal.” Which, right now, is exactly what we need to hear.

According to a message that is currently doing the rounds of Twitter, “Whatever song was No1 on your 12th birthday is your quarantine theme song.”

I had nothing better to do. So I looked mine up.

It turns out that my “quarantine theme song” is called End of the Road. And my wife’s is called Goodnight Girl.

When the chips are down, you can always rely on Twitter to give your spirits a lift.

Michael Deacon’s Letters from Lockdown returns on Monday