What if your domestic abuser is your child?
Experts warn of a spike in a ‘new kind of abuse’ in lockdown – with young people the perpetrators, writes Madeleine Jones
Domestic abuse was the hidden crime that came out from behind the net curtains over the last few decades. But what remains in the locked Pandora’s box are the number of cases where it is the child or adolescent who is the perpetrator.
Figures compiled by the BBC last year found that the number of domestic CPVS, or Child to Parent Violence incidents, doubled to 14,133 between 2015 and 2018 – and this week, victims’ commissioner Dame Vera Baird warned the Commons justice committee of a likely spike in a “new kind of abuse”, as a result of young people being “trapped” in the home amid all the extra stresses caused by coronavirus.
Amalie* lives with her 13-yearold son, Simon*, who has special educational needs and has struggled with being inside for extended periods of time. “A real trigger point seems to be bedtime when he just gets angrier and angrier,” she says. “Sometimes, I have to put a door between us to keep myself safe or lock myself in my car till his rage subsides. He is always sorry afterwards, but he is now getting potentially bigger and stronger than me. We do get phone calls from Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services on a regular basis, but that is not helpful at the moment.”
Al Coates is a social worker and adoptive father of six who has advised the Government on related issues and works to get CPVS out in the open, given victims are often reluctant to seek help.
“The trouble with CPV is everyone has an opinion, often around parenting ability, which leaves the victim of violence very isolated,” he says. “We’ve just started to admit that CPV exists. But we are still at the stage where we were with domestic violence, where the blame is on the victim: ‘Well, couldn’t you just have got his tea ready earlier?’ is replaced with, ‘Well maybe if you hadn’t taken his Xbox away…’”
Coates, who with Dr Wendy Thorley, heads the Children’s Emotional Language and Thinking
Organisation (CEL&T), adds: “This can leave a parent shut out by their family, school and community, and very reluctant to get social services – the obvious first port of call – involved.”
Helen Bonnick, author of Child to Parent Violence and Abuse: A Practitioner’s Guide to Working with Families (Pavilion, £29.95), says international evidence suggests one in 10 parents may experience some form of violence from their children – and it is a mistake to imagine any type of family are immune.
“People with money are just more able to hide their problems,” she says.
“They can pay for private therapists, private security and avoid using public-facing services. And if you live in a large house at the end of a long drive, you can keep any family difficulties quite private.”
Unsurprisingly, lockdown is bringing more and more issues to the fore. “In normal circumstances, I’d tell parents to seek out a programme of help,” says Bonnick, “but now, if you are in any danger, call 999.”
A CEL&T report with Northumbria Police and the University of Northumbria has found officers called to CPV incidents ranging from kicking, biting and attempted strangulation to assaults with weapons. “Our research found that in 30 per cent of cases, the child had special educational needs or mental health issues and a police cell is not the place for a child like that,” Coates says. Yet as a society, we are still not ready to face the fact that our children could hurt us. And that is not much help for Amalie, sitting in her car and afraid to go into her own home, or for Simon, inside with his own thoughts. * Names have been changed
‘Sometimes, I have to put a door between us to keep myself safe or lock myself in my car’