‘MY DAUGHTER CAME AT ME WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE’

In the first week of lockdown, my daughter Rebecca*, 24, went missing. Struggling to cope with anxiety and anger at losing her job and being stuck inside, she went on a bender. I waited for the police to call to say they had found her body.

When she returned days later, looking awful, I felt fear as well as relief – she has abused me mentally and physically since she was 14, so I was walking on eggshells again.

In the last 10 years, Rebecca has threatened to stab me with scissors and large kitchen knives, slammed my hand into a door and flown into rages that make me fear for my life. Five years ago, I fitted a lock on to my bedroom door, scared of what she might do to me in my sleep.

Violence by children towards their parents is a hidden form of abuse, but as a director for SEEDS Wales, a domestic violence organisation, I have learnt how widespread the problem is among adolescents, and the challenges thousands of parents face.

Rebecca’s father, my first husband, sadly died when she was young, and I got engaged to a new partner when she was 14, who abused us both, physically, mentally and sexually. He was convicted of assault, as well as put on the sexual offender register – but we were left with the scars.

Rebecca started pushing boundaries and flouting rules, going from an A* student to a 16-year-old dropout. She learnt she could get her own way if she brought other adults into the equation – she reported me to the police for locking her in the house, complained to teachers that she was depressed because I had confiscated her phone, and convinced the GP to tell me she should be allowed to go to town. It appeared that they all sided with her, because it was the easier option.

Behind closed doors, living with Rebecca was a nightmare. She stole money from me and sold my clothes and jewellery. When she drank or took drugs, she became physically threatening. Once, she came at me with a pair of scissors. I managed to shut a door between us.

Mothers find it difficult to talk about, because we don’t want to be judged as bad parents and we want to believe that we have the answer for our children. Thankfully, I was able to share my situation with my best friend. I would call her to say: “I’m locked in my room again, I’m scared and don’t know what to do.”

Rebecca has ADHD, self-destructive behaviour, and has threatened suicide, but she is yet to get mental health support. Recently, she came at me with a kitchen knife. But I could see she was hurting. Afterwards, we both cried. It brings me to tears, to admit that sometimes I wish she would go and never come back.

But I’m a mother, there is no get-out clause. I love her and my door will always be open.

*Name has been changed