MODERN LIFE

Who would you select to be on your ‘Bubble List?’

Any day now, people may be able to nominate a bubble of friends and family who can see each other – but not others – regularly. Ten is the magic number, or so the rumour goes, and that seems reasonable, all things considered.

The trouble is, we know which 10 the Government has in mind, and it’s not the 10 in our heads. We’re in no doubt as to who should be on the Bubble List – our nearest and dearest, plus a smattering of very close friends – but that sounds depressingly like living in a state of perpetual Christmas. It’s not exactly back to normal, let’s face it – and it doesn’t allow for all those people who aren’t in our circle of trust, but we want in our bubble, nonetheless.

Pretend your Bubble List would be all your sisters and their husbands, if that makes you feel better. But this is how our Bubble List looks:

vRebecca the hairdresser. Because, before lockdown, she could sometimes be persuaded to come to the house – or she would send her husband, Craig – and currently either one is the person we most want to see.

vDizja, the man about the house. D has a key and comes and goes whenever there is any house task to be done, and I’m not talking “putting up a shelf ” or “laying the patio” or even securing the curtain pole. I’m talking about putting the batteries in the smoke alarm (anything requiring a ladder, anything requiring a screwdriver, anything requiring nails or a hammer or, God forbid, a spirit level). The other day, I texted him to inquire how he was doing; whether he is locked down here or in Poland; how were his family holding up and so forth, and he texted straight back: “So what has gone wrong?” Honestly, we need him here for two solid days, not including the drains.

vHot and Hotter, the plumbers. There is always something up with our plumbing, and Hot and Hotter are a plumbing double act who look like Chippendales. When they first showed up, a few years back, I thought I’d been set up and they were going to whip off their velcroed Carhartt workwear and dance around in satin posing pouches wielding giant spanners. That’s what they look like! Miss them.

vWorkmates 1 and 2. The ones that make you hoot and also have the knack for “You can do it!” pep-talking you out of a Covid slump. Need them for the Friday night post-mortem cocktails, especially now that we are never again going to be allowed near a water cooler in groups of three.

vPersonal trainer. Ha ha, just kidding – haven’t got one of those, obvs, though a heck of a lot of people have, judging by the amount of punching-into-gloves going on in the park. But if you had one, they would certainly be on your Bubble List, don’t you think?

vBossy whirlwind friend. Do this, do that. That looks nice, get rid of that. I’ve got a great person for that. Get it from there, it’s cheaper. Sort of like an agent, but unpaid.

vVirus? What virus...? friend. As in, that friend who is eternally optimistic and lives for the day – who, within minutes of arriving in your kitchen, has lowered your blood pressure, like listening to the Shipping Forecast, only more fun. Not to be confused with Therapist Friend, who can do her job just as well on the phone, it turns out, thereby freeing up another Bubble position. Result.

vSuper-smart friend. Phase one has all been cosy, cooky and cleaving to family and people we love, and quite right, too. But in phase two, we think we’re going to be over swapping recipes and cute memes and ready for the sharp end, the heated debates and edgy jokes. Why not? It can’t all be poodles standing on the back of mopeds forever.

There are people who aren’t in our circle of trust, but we want in our bubble, nonetheless