‘The pandemic made my postnatal depression worse’
After a breakdown, being trapped at home for weeks can make life harder still, says Katie Ley
I worry for the first-time mothers now going through this on their own
Just before we went into lockdown, I suffered a nervous breakdown. It didn’t come out of the blue: I’d been battling postnatal depression since the birth of my now one-year-old son Jack, and by February I could no longer cope. I ended up in hospital briefly, but because of the support network I had on the outside, I was sent home to recover.
Then the coronavirus pandemic hit, and suddenly I was stuck at home, cut off from many of the things that would normally help me deal with the feelings I’d been having since my labour: my baby groups, my friends, my family, my work.
Right now, everyone is struggling to cope in various ways; it’s normal to feel some anxiety and a lot of the country will be lonely or down in one way or another at the moment.
But postnatal depression is a different beast altogether, and one which, since lockdown, I’ve felt I’ve been fighting alone. It isn’t my first encounter with the illness. After giving birth to my daughter Francesca, now three, I suffered it badly and developed post-partum psychosis, a rare but serious mental health condition that can affect new mothers.
Fortunately, I came through it, but the postnatal depression returned three months after my son arrived, and with it those horrible feelings of being disconnected from my children. You feel like you should be happy – yet you’re not. Being trapped at home these past weeks has made it all a lot worse.
One of my coping mechanisms is exercise, and although I have continued to get out for walks near my home in North Devon, it’s not so easy when looking after two children while my husband works from home. Before, I had help from the grandparents, but now we can’t see them, of course, and there’s no one to come and assist. Taking a break from the childcare is almost impossible, and so, similarly, is taking a break from my thoughts. Although I live with my husband and children, it’s a very lonely place to be.
Stripped of our everyday routines, cut off from the friends with children of a similar age to mine, no longer having family checking in on me – all of which once buoyed me up, or prevented me from crashing too low – it can feel very hard to keep going.
I was halfway towards recovering when life as we knew it changed. I’d begun to take medication, and although things were difficult, there was light at the end of the tunnel. I had also started seeing a counsellor.
But since social distancing came into force, I’ve been unable to see her face to face. We’re blessed with this wonderful technology to help us see family and friends online, but it’s nothing like sitting in the same room with a therapist and having that physical contact. I’ve continued my sessions with her over the phone, but it’s not been as effective that way.
Likewise, speaking to friends and family on the phone is a poor substitute for seeing them in person. No one can pick up on those little signs you’re suffering if they can’t see you in the flesh. They think “oh, she’s happy again” and then the conversation moves on.
I worry for the first-time mothers now going through this on their own; perhaps they don’t know they’ve got postnatal depression, but know that something isn’t right. Before lockdown,
I spotted a mother at one of my baby groups and could tell she was going through something. “Have you spoken to anyone?” I asked her. She insisted she was fine, but later messaged me to say: “You saved me that day.”
Mothers like her won’t have others looking out for them now. They’ll be struggling through on their own.
We don’t know how much longer we’ll be living like this, but I’m happy that lately I’ve been feeling a bit better. I’m trying to focus on the present, on being with my children without having to rush here and there. I try to avoid social media, with its falsely happy images of parents doing all those things we’re supposed to be doing in our homes: the craft activities, the baking and so on. I’m learning to recognise my triggers.
And when I feel bad, I take myself away from the screen, cook my healthy food and look after my children – and remember it won’t always be like this.
As told to Rosa Silverman