Ministerial blunders have never been so entertaining
This week John Lewis reported an “exceptional” increase in board game sales since lockdown began; curious, I think, given the free diversion provided by ministers and officials over the same period – one that doesn’t require virtual queueing, wrangling over an online delivery slot or furious anti bac-ing once plonked on your doorstep. Blunder Countdown – the charting of our leaders’ many, many missteps – is by now so rich in material, one need never reach for the Scrabble board again.
Instead of seeing crumbled promises, bungled numbers and the ruinous effects of poor decisionmaking over the usual five-year electoral period, we are witnessing it in real time, each development more toe curling than the last. I wonder if, when the Government cancelled all live entertainment, they wanted front row seats at their own car crash to be the new alternative? And one we can allocate our undivided attention to because, frankly, there aren’t that many competing options at present.
Genuinely very difficult to narrow down, but leading the way in this week’s Blunder Countdown are:
Delivery woes
Look, we’ve all made a rogue order here and there – a five-litre bottle of water instead of five one-litre bottles, say, or a pair of the wrong-sized jeans. But 400,000 useless pieces of personal “protective” equipment? Bit beyond the realm of guaranteed next day returns. The “very significant” shipment, which ministers promised would ease the woes of frontline workers, was this week found to be 99 per cent unusable, with tens of thousands of gowns et al languishing in a facility by Heathrow airport, others being sent back and more being tested at the Turkish tracksuit-making factory from whence they came.
Refunds are being “negotiated” for these and, presumably, the 3.5million futile antibody tests and 250 ventilators shipped in before being deemed too “dangerous” for use. Remove whoever has the company credit card as a matter of urgency.
A guide for confusion
Over-70s account for nearly 9million of the UK population.
In the Government website’s terms, this cohort is “clinically vulnerable” and should only leave home if it’s essential; among those are the “clinically extremely vulnerable”, whose underlying conditions mean they were sent NHS letters with advice to shield for 12 weeks.
When a Sunday newspaper reported over-70s’ fears over facing three more months of lockdown, Matt Hancock, the Health Secretary, was quick to correct this “factually wrong and misleading” information, posting on Twitter that the clinically vulnerable “emphatically DO NOT include all over-70s”. He followed this with a link to that same advisory page listing all over-70s as yep, you guessed it, clinically vulnerable. Just 9million people awaiting clear advice, then, Mr Hancock. No rush.
Target practice
One hundred thousand tests a day? “Ambitious”, sure, the Health Secretary said. But doable, he added – repeatedly – by the end of April. The Government has become adept at spouting targets and slogans, political endeavours broken down into bitesize chunks. This messaging makes for an unforgiving yardstick; the UK has fulfilled that criteria once in 10 days (discounting April 30’s “122,347 tests”, which included thousands that were posted out and may never be returned).
How to rectify that? By doubling the testing target, of course! At this point, the strategy appears to have moved from “tangible numerical targets” to “say as many conflicting numbers in as short a timeframe as possible for maximum confusion”. One they’re actually delivering on, I suppose.
Dis-app-ointment
There was “huge enthusiasm” on the Isle of Wight ahead of the contact tracing app being piloted there this week, according to Mr Hancock (you may have spotted a theme here). That enthusiasm has sadly not been shared by the app’s developers, who are reportedly now building a second one which they hope might – unlike its predecessor – function as intended. No decision has been made on which will be rolled out nationally – presumably now more of an “if ” than a “when”.
Tone deaf
Have to say, it takes cojones of the so-twisted-they-must-be-cutting-offcirculation-to-your-brain kind to challenge an MP, whose second job is working in A&E during a pandemic, on their tone when relaying the devastation of frontline worker deaths due to PPE shortages. That didn’t stop Mr Hancock – nothing does! – taking Dr Rosena Allin-khan MP to task. Perhaps he might consider making a contribution of his own to the nation’s health – by going into voluntary shielding for the next 12 weeks.
If you’d rather have less
depressing forms of diversion, the broadcasts from a Cuban circus – live from Morecambe, where they have been stranded since March – should do it. Big Kids Circus may have swapped Cuba Libres for Eccles cakes but they are still doing their part, donating a portion of their livestream fees to the NHS and handing out provisions to food banks. “The adrenalin is like no other,” said Maikel Mota Martinez, from Havana, who performs on roller skates. Blessed are the optimists.
Virtual US Supreme Court
hearings were this week interrupted by the sound of a flushing lavatory. The fact the hearings were taking place digitally for the first time clearly relaxed participants more than it should have done, when the egregious intervention was heard in what might charitably be called “teething problems” or, less charitably, “could you really not have waited a minute?” The perpetrator wasn’t immediately obvious, sparing considerable blushes. But for all the talk of lockdown saviours, the mute button really has been overlooked.