Out of the mouths of babes...
Who is the parent in this family now?
When he was born, I gave him the nickname ‘Sir Baby’... it’s little wonder he treats me like his butler
Children learn through imitation. Every parent knows that. Even so, it can feel weird, hearing your own words repeated back to you by a small child.
Especially when that small child is telling you off.
One day last year, after I’d dismantled and tidied away some Lego he’d left lying around on the living room floor, my son got very cross. So cross, in fact, that he said he was “very disappointed” in me, and that I’d made “some poor choices”.
These were clearly phrases he’d picked up from teachers at school. But he picks up phrases from me and Mama, too.
On Tuesday, for home school, he and his class were set another of their unnervingly ambitious creative projects. In previous weeks, I’ve had to help my son make a “Giacometti-style” sculpture out of Bacofoil, and a superhero out of vegetables. This week, the class had to recreate famous French landmarks using Lego. My son set to work on the Eiffel Tower, while I was delegated to build the Arc de Triomphe.
“Finished,” I said, after a minute or so. The boy looked up, peered at my submission, and frowned. He did not look impressed.
“You can do better than that,” he said briskly. “Come on. Add more detail. Take more time over it.”
These are, word for word, phrases that in recent weeks Mama and I have used on him, when he’s been slacking off on his schoolwork.
Next he’ll be telling me to eat up my carrots or I can’t have my ipad.
Still, I suppose it’s my own fault. When our son was born, I gave him the winsome nickname “Sir Baby”. (You know how it is, when you first become a parent. You’re stressed, you’re tired, you’ve just lost 30 IQ points.)
Since then, I’ve obviously had to drop the “Baby”. But, out of habit, I often still address him as “Sir”.
So it’s little wonder if he treats me like his butler. And has a stern word when my endeavours fail to give satisfaction.
Little things I miss: an ever-growing list.
1. The plumpness of cinema seats.
2. The brilliant unreal green of a professional football pitch.
3. A scalp massage from a hairdresser.
4. The all-over glow after a long swim.
5. Poppadoms with lime pickle at an Indian restaurant.
6. An Eighties pop song booming from a fairground ride.
7. Penny arcades in seaside towns.
8. The view from any bridge in London at night.
9. Watching a dog bound along a beach, in furious pursuit of a tennis ball.
10. The smell of chip shop vinegar.
Michael Deacon’s Letters from Lockdown returns tomorrow