How have Tories forgotten about families?

Relatives are the best buffer against the isolation, stress and deprivation of lockdown. Let us see them

Grandpa’s funeral had to be held in the churchyard, with only four family members in attendance while the rest of us wept on Zoom. My husband was scrupulous about standing the regulation two metres away from his widowed mother, sister and niece – even though when his Mum had to throw earth on the open grave, he made a move, as if to take her elbow and proffer his support.

We have all had to suppress our instincts during lockdown: no hugging granny, no rumpling the 27-year-old’s shaggy hair, no barbecues with the cousins, aunts and uncles over the bank holiday. We’ve been told this is for our own safety, and that of our most vulnerable members. Yet as the crisis has triggered stress about health, money, and school disruption, it has exposed the best buffer against these setbacks: the family.

Isolation becomes bearable and recovery speedier when we can rely on our relatives. Even if only through a screen with a tinny echo, children remind us to look beyond today, elderly parents stoke memories of better days, siblings call us to account as only someone who’s seen us sucking our thumb can. We draw strength from these connections, and they see us through the changes that are affecting every other aspect of our life.

Given these tangible benefits, how perverse that the Government, and a Tory one at that, should do nothing to promote family ties – and a lot to crush them. Draconian rules have banned us from visiting our loved ones, even on their deathbed. Lockdown strictures have been loosened for garden centres, golf courses and car dealerships but remain stubbornly in place for families. Government is happy to reunite golfers with their clubs but not grandparents with their grandchildren. These skewed priorities betray a troubling ignorance of the human heart, not to mention epidemiology.

The public know this even if politicians don’t. This is why they are losing patience with lockdown. Why is there a blanket ban on sitting on a chair at the bottom of the garden to speak to a parent or going for a socially distanced walk with a group of siblings and nephews and nieces? Above all, why can’t we be trusted to make these decisions for ourselves?

If Dominic Cummings believes he can drive from London to Durham safely by relying on his common sense to keep him from infecting others, the Government ought to consider allowing us to use a bit more of our judgement in choosing how and when to see our relatives. It should be sensible enough to realise that nobody will put vulnerable loved ones in harm’s way by taking stupid risks and that we can be trusted to work out what is or isn’t safe.

We clap along with the Prime Minister for the NHS every week, but no one has urged us to celebrate the one institution that props us up from dawn till dusk. If anything, the message is about sinister incidents taking place behind locked doors and away from prying eyes. Domestic abuse is on the increase – in Devon alone, reported incidents are up 20 per cent. There is a surge in online sexual grooming of vulnerable youngsters. Alcohol sales have trebled.

This alarming picture only tells part of the story. In many of these situations, home may be where danger lurks, but family members are often the whistle-blowers and the saviours who step in. A beloved child or relative can be the catalyst for change as no government diktat can.

This is not to say that family interaction in lockdown is always cosy and supportive. As we keep close through phone calls, emails, Zoom and House Party, we feel connected and supported, but tempers can just as easily fray. Living cheek by jowl with your nearest and dearest can test the mildest temperaments; the Office for National Statistics reports one in four adults have struggled with their relationship during the crisis.

And yet, most of us can overcome a row because family makes us more resilient. It has taught us to give and take, to pick ourselves up when we are down, to raise our aspirations beyond tonight’s drink. This is what we need to bounce back after lockdown. Please hurry up, Boris, and free families to be there for one another.

Cristina Odone is the Head of Family Policy at the Centre for Social Justice