Why we’re all at lockdown loggerheads

As restrictions ease, many people are finding they aren’t as ‘corona compatible’ with their loved ones as they thought, says

Anew divide is opening up across our lockeddown land. Judging by the conversations and arguments, dirty looks and death stares exploding across social media, family and local Whatsapp groups – not to mention outside Waitrose – you’re either ready to lift lockdown right this minute or you want to keep measures in place for a couple more, we’ve-got-this-far, weeks.

And this fight is playing out among those closest to us, too. A couple who lockdown together, doesn’t necessarily stay together – especially if one of you is considerably more relaxed than the other about flexing the rules.

At home, my husband is on the Keeping the Ship Steady side of the argument; I’m the one straining at the leash. I’ve not broken the rules,

Divided: while some have enjoyed being at home, others need to escape but at the slightest nod from Matt Hancock, I’m working out how I can be social again.

I know one couple who had a furious argument about letting a carpenter in to do a few days’ work. The husband was only OK about it if he pretty much wore a full hazmat suit, whereas his wife just wanted to get the “bloody shelves done” and waived away his concerns with a “stop overreacting”.

Another friend had to make her son swear to secrecy that he wouldn’t tell his dad she’d given him the green light to splash around in his friend’s paddling pool all afternoon; meanwhile, a pal in Sussex says she is struggling with her in-laws who are determined to pop round to see the grandchildren because “lockdown is over,” while she is convinced police drones will spot any illegal hugging.

Suddenly, many of us are questioning how “corona compatible” we are after all.

Over in Ballygowan,

Northern Ireland, 34-year-old Noel

Allen and his wife Sarra,

31, are finding it impossible to agree how much leeway the law now allows. For Noel, the handcuffs of home have always been unbearable thanks to the start-up he created in 2018. “We’d just got to the point where our products, Noisy Snacks, were beginning to compete,” says Noel. “And suddenly, everything went into lockdown.”

Sarra, who works for a wealth management company, was furloughed, but Noel had to carry on, all the time waiting for the smallest sign of lift-off so that his business could get back on track. Sarra is in no such rush, however. “She is enjoying being locked in,” says Noel. “But I feel like I’m on a chain at the moment. I want to go to the gym. Or have a pint and a snack at the pub. I’ve got cabin fever.” Many describe feeling the same stress levels now as they did at the beginning of lockdown. The outbreak of coronavirus has led to significant changes for all of us, says clinical psychologist Dr Rachel Chin of Pennine Care NHS Foundation Trust. “We have had to adapt to challenging circumstances and lots of uncertainty,” she says. Moreover, for many of us, having got through the first upheaval we went into a relatively stable middle phase and for many, the new way of life has been a pleasant surprise. “People don’t want to go back to their previous way of living. This pause time has helped them to re-evaluate their lives.” The tension comes when the time comes to go back.

That would certainly be true for Sarra Allen, who has seen more of Noel for the past few months than she has in years. “When we do lift lockdown,” she says, “he will be away for weeks with the trade shows. It’s been good spending so much time together.”

But she has another reason for not wanting lockdown to end; Sarra’s grandmother,

Lily Shaw, died of Covid-19 on May 13 at the age of

91 – a month shy of her 92nd birthday. “I hadn’t been able to see her since March,” says Sarra, “so it feels a bit like she is still with us. I can’t feel it yet. Seeing her had been my ultimate goal for when this was lifted. Part of me wants to stay in lockdown so I don’t have to face the reality of that.”

Psychotherapist Neil Wilkie, author of Reset – The Relationship Paradigm, confirms that not everything will have been rosy for everyone. “As we come out of lockdown, we will all be experiencing different feelings and our journey to the ‘new normal’ will be at different speeds.

“We will be bringing with us different baggage of fear, frustration, irritation, resentment as well as positive feelings of joy, gratitude and reconnection with what is really important.”

So how do we resolve our issues within our homes and even our friendship

groups when some of us are busy planning garden reunions and others are declining invitations?

Says Dr Chin, “We need to encourage each other to express and be open about our concerns. You may want to push your views on someone, but that can force people further away.” Instead, listen with patience and compassion and stop judging.

Wilkie agrees, explaining that the best hope for reconciling with loved ones is to talk through what our experiences and feelings have been over this difficult time.

It is not about trying to persuade them that they are wrong, he says, and you are right. “If you can understand their feelings and fears then, maybe, you can help them feel safer and you can act in a way which is congruent with their feelings.”

And he adds that we cannot turn to the Government for help on this one. “We have gone from Stay at Home to Stay Alert,” says Wilkie. “Would ‘Stay Happy’ be the logical next command? Our desire to listen to and obey Government advice is strong in wartime and crisis, but in peace time, this is largely overridden by our desire for free will.”

Dr Chin would like to see more clarity though: “We need clear direction, which is not open to interpretation. It comes down to having boundaries that will help us thrive while making us

feel safe.”

‘She is enjoying being locked in but I feel like I’m on a chain. I’ve got cabin fever’